I have been giving some more thought to how I am going to go about getting the correct presents for people this year, following my new rule of buying people not one gift, but being old fashioned and buying them a gift every day for the 12 Days Of Christmas, whilst being true to the song.
The First Day of Christmas is Christmas Day, and for that you need to get your hands on a partridge, and make sure that it’s in a pear tree. I don’t think you need to buy a partridge for every member of your friends and family, only for your ‘true love’. If you are too rubbish to have a true love, like me, then you should purchase a partridge and a pear tree for the person closest to you, or maybe as a joint gift for your whole family. They can then decide who looks after the naturally wild bird, as well as deciding in whose garden the pear tree will be planted. It would be ideal for the partridge to remain in the pear tree, but let’s get real, that is unlikely to ever happen because the partridge is naturally programmed to fly away if the tree is planted outside and so unless you surrounded it with netting then it’s probably best to keep the partridge indoors and plant the tree outside. After all, the song only stipulates that the gift should be a partridge in a pear tree, not that it should be a partridge that lives in a pear tree. You must pay attention to the song.
The problem with living in Britain, where it is winter during Christmas, is that the pear tree is going to be dormant and therefore not bearing leaves or fruit, leaving it looking very much like any other tree at the time of giving. Damn the Australians for being able to give this precious gift in far more presentable form to us, but no matter. Hopefully your tree will come in a pot with an explanatory tag saying that it is a pear tree and therefore the recipient of your gift will be able to appreciate what you are doing, although to be fair they will be probably more interested initially with the sight of a distressed bird flying around the living room and flapping like a confused idiot against the windows. It’s probably best you are on hand when they unwrap this gift so that you can explain fully what is happening and comfort and children you might be crying hysterically.
If you true love is a child, and obviously I mean that in a platonic way, presuming them to be your son, daughter, niece or nephew, then explain to them that the gift of a dormant tree and a wild bird is better than an Xbox 360 or Nintendo Wii, and that one day they will be mature enough to appreciate this.
On Boxing Day, the Second Day of Christmas, you have to give your true love two turtle doves, which I’m not sure are any more domesticated than partridges but do bear in mind you will now have four birds in the house and you should think about building some sort of aviary. “FOUR birds?� I hear you cry? “FOUR? But surely you’ve only so far given the brilliant gifts of a partridge and two turtle doves, meaning a total of three?�
No. Again, you must listen to the song.
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to be
Two turtle doves
AND a partridge in a pear tree
Yes, you have to give them a second partridge and a second pear tree. Not to do so would mean they are not your true love.
Basically the presents double up on the following day, and so by the twelfth day you will be giving them their twelfth partridge, their twelfth pear tree, as well as their eleventh pair of turtle doves. It would be wise to only consider a true love that has a large attic for the birds as well as a garden sizable enough for an orchard. But this is where the gift becomes great, because in several years time when the pear trees have matured and begun to bear fruit (don’t give a fully grown pear tree as a gift, you mental!) they can harvest the pears and probably make a very nice flan or even some pear jam, which they can give back to you as your Christmas or birthday present. If they don’t do this then I think you’ll find you selected the wrong true love to give all the gifts to in the first place.
My only other tip at this stage is to make sure that partridges and turtle doves aren’t naturally aggressive and attack each other, if so keep them in separate rooms. I’m only doing the giving, I’m not telling you how to look after and maintain your gifts.
Hopefully we’ll be able to go over the full twelve gifts of Christmas here before the 25th so you have adequate time to buy / capture your presents. All that’s left to do now is consider who the lucky true love will be?
- Post to:
del.icio.us
Digg
Newsvine
Nowpublic
Reddit
« Previous | Home | Next »