Friday 1st December 2006

So we’ve entered the month that happens to contain Christmas Day, the fictional date on which Jesus was born in a manger, but because of this a month that is completely consumed by one event. It’s hardly radical or clever to have a go at the horrible, unavoidable build up to Christmas but if we’re going to insist that the whole of December and a good chunk of November is given over to one event, then surely February (the runt of all months) should be given over to Valentines Day and October should be entirely devoted to worshiping the undead, instead of just on the 31st?

There is a handy way of avoiding the build up to Christmas and that is to go to a non-Christian country, something that does rather appeal. December in India anyone? The weather is going to be tip-top and because we used to own India I’m sure every local would welcome us back with open arms, having lamented the opportunity of late to serve us gins on the veranda during a Bridge tournament and basically do our bidding. They would be foolish and ungrateful not to.

It’s not Christmas that I dislike, it’s a pleasant day with a lovely meal and close family about you, but it is after all only a day. A singular day that passes quite quickly and morphs into that curious Boxing Day thing. No-body knows quite what to do on Boxing Day but there aren’t any trains so you just sit about and eat a little more so it’s not really worthy of any particular celebration, only Christmas Day has that distinction, and so December has one memorable event in it and one event only – yet we devote a month to it and therefore it becomes without question the least enjoyable month of the year bar none.

What would sensibly be a good time to start celebrating Christmas? I would go with December the 25th but that is too grouchy for anyone to go along with so what about from the 22nd onwards? That gives us three days, which surely is adequate, because lets not forget that that week between Boxing Day and New Years Day (when nobody is quite sure what day of the week it is, even though they have to go to work) essentially takes the whole festive thing up until about the 3rd of January.

22nd December to the 3rd of January. Nobody needs a longer time to act unnaturally than that.

Or, if you want to make a special Yuletide effort this year, why not do what I’m planning on and celebrate the official Twelve Days Of Christmas? These are the twelve days after Christmas leading up to the Epiphany, i.e. the 25th of December up until the 5th of January. God bless the internet. This is officially, according to the word of the bible, and a popular song, when you should give your gifts. ‘On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree…’ etc.

The odd thing about the twelve presents of Christmas are that they generally either bird-based, and would therefore only please Bill Oddie, or the gift of actual humans. They are:

1. A Partridge
2. Two Turtle Doves
3. Three French Hens
4. Four Calling Birds
5. Five Gold Rings
6. Six Geese (these should be a-laying)
7. Seven Swans (these should be a-swimming)
8. Eight Maids (these should be a-milking)
9. Nine Ladies (thee should be dancing)
10. Ten Lords (these should be a-leaping)
11. Eleven Pipers (these should be piping)
12. Twelve Drummers (these should be drumming)

The impracticality of these presents we shall explore over the coming month when I can think of nothing better to write about, but right off the cuff we can see that the only one of any real practicality is the five gold rings, where as the present of eight maids a milking is just going to be difficult for somebody to accept, as well as furiously difficult to wrap.

In the wrapping stakes though, putting paper and a bow around seven swans is always going to be difficult (and illegal, they are property of the Queen) but the fact they have to be swimming is especially cumbersome.

However, no matter what the impracticalities of these presents, I am going to have a traditional Christmas this year and so instead of being wooed by adverts for Argos on the TV, I am going to stick to my interpretation of the Twelve Presents Of Christmas and give people individual gifts from the 25th through to the 5th of next year.

One way or another, we’ll make this debacle of December appropriately stupid, not to mention educational. If anyone wants to put a shout in for any present in particular (i.e. if you could really do with ten pipers piping) then drop me a line.

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