I’m becoming less impressed with I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here now that it’s down to only a few contestants and they are more conscious of winning. It was better when they were just squabbling but now they seem to be on their best behaviour to win precious votes from the public. But it has none the less surprised me how much I’ve enjoyed this hit of reality TV, because having never properly watched the genre before (never really been into Big Brother for example) I’d have probably derided it as nonsense if someone asked me my opinion a month ago, but now that’s changed. Reality TV and celebrities humiliating themselves is great, I was a fool not to realise this before.
Maybe I’m A Celebrity is the best of the bunch, I don’t know. I’ve never watched things like Celebrity Love Island but I imagine they are inferior. And they don’t have Ant and Dec who are the best TV presenters currently on the air in my probably wrong and ill-informed mind. So seeing as I’m a big fan of reality tele now, here are some suggestions for new TV shows that should be made and make staying in an even more rewarding experience.
1. I’m A Celebrity… Honest.
A show in which ten celebrities you’ve never heard of, perhaps because they used to be in a soap opera in the seventies, have to convince viewers that they are famous by trawling through video achieves to try and find something they might have been in, or by bringing in photographic evidence of some sort of job in showbiz at some point in their lives that they can then hold up to camera whilst making a pleading face. One celebrity is voted off each week and the winner is the one who the general public think is most likely to be a celebrity.
2. Face to Face
Two people, they could be desperate celebrities or just members of the public who want to be on TV, have about a year of intensive plastic surgery to swap faces, features and bodies over the course of about 1,345 operations, resulting in one person becoming the other. Even if there is one male and one female contestant, they still have to become each other so this will involve even more operations. When the long and painful procedure is compete, both will return to ‘their’ respective families and try and convince ‘their’ kids and husband / wife that they are the same person, not a completely different person with the face and body of the person they once knew – whilst that person is away doing the same thing to the first contestants family. Do you see? It’s like Wife Swap, but one person becomes the other, and it’s permanent. The winner is the contestant who does the best job of convincing ‘their’ family that they are they person who’s features they’ve taken on, and the first to stop ‘their’ children crying hysterically.
3. Celebrity Freefall
Each week a celebrity is dropped out of a plane without a parachute but with a helmet that shows their face and picks up what they say as they fall. The better technique they use for falling through the sky (i.e. arms and legs out in a steady wind-resistant position to slow them down slightly) gives them extra time on the TV to say and do whatever they like before hitting the ground like a water balloon full of tomato soup dropped from a roof. A rubbish free faller will only get about two minutes of airtime as they tumble through the sky whilst a good one would get about three minutes of precious prime time to impose themselves on the nation before meeting their grizzly but welcome end. The celebrity who lands closest to an ‘X’ on the ground gets £250 sent to their favourite charity. Lisa Rogers presents.
4. Pay The Penalty!
A down-on-their-luck celebrity stands naked in a goal mouth with their hands tied behind their back whilst a group of footballers pepper them with penalty kicks. For every direct hit they receive in the face or genitals, they win some tinned food and clothing for their children. Except in Pay The Penalty the footballs aren’t your normal, modern ball. They are special balls made of fire and nails. After kicking five hundred balls at the celebrity, they are knocked unconscious with a plank of wood and dumped in a forest where they must try to survive by integrating with a pack of wolves and trying to win enough trust to share their kills. After five years they are airlifted from the forest and thrown over a cliff.
Actually that’s not such a bad format…. Note to self: Find out who Jono Coleman’s agent is.
More reality TV formats tomorrow.
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