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Stanley McHale is a single man rapidly approaching thirty who loves and dreams of the same things he did when he was seventeen. But the band was never formed, the novel never finished, and the ill-chosen career in stand-up comedy is giving him more headaches than headlines. With the self-imposed deadline of his thirtieth birthday to either make an international success of himself or go and work in Woolworths, why not pull yourself up ringside seats for the tragically inevitable descent into mania and psychosis by reading his increasingly inane, pedantic, desperate, harrowing and wretched daily diary. It'll make you feel a whole lot better about yourself.

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November 2006 Archives

Thursday 30th November 2006

Posted by on November 30, 2006 5:06 PM

I met the source of all my future riches and bragging stakes, Isma Almas, at the station in Liverpool today to have our second writing session. The previous meeting had been so productive, and basically just featured us laughing, that I was a bit worried today that, by feeling slightly tired, today would be disappointing for Isma as I would probably just sit there trying to come up with ideas whilst drawing blanks and her ticket from Bradford would prove a waste of money.

Indeed, as anyone who doesn’t have a proper job and just comes up with stupid ideas for a living will tell you, some days it works and some days it doesn’t and so the law of averages (that stupid law) will make some sessions more productive than others. And seeing as we live in different towns, over two hours apart, then there will be some wasted journeys.

Whilst some jobs, like being a pilot, are just about following a rigid set of instructions to do it well, I still don’t think there’s a profession in the world that you can do equally well each day. And when that job involves having (for want of a less showy word) ‘inspiration’ to make it work, then it’s always a bit of a lottery.

With the actual stand-up part of it, you can feel very uninspired and still do a passable job because you can stick to a well rehearsed script and just act as if these ideas are coming off the top of your head. But these gigs will never be as good as when you do feel genuinely happy and willing to play about a bit more. The writing however can never be forced and personally I don’t even think it’s worth bothering too hard if you don’t feel up to it. So today I was hoping that the rather lethargic mood I felt myself in during the morning would be replaced quickly when we sat down with paper in front of us in The Tea Factory, but at first this wasn’t the case.

Wednesday 29th November 2006

Posted by on November 29, 2006 3:59 AM

I recorded the Squeaky Clean TV programme that some students were putting together at John Moores University today and enjoyed myself. It was interesting to be in an, albeit basic, TV studio which contained an impressively put together set (basically a bathroom) and have to concentrate on which camera to say things to and whatnot. When I am as acclaimed as the new Justin Lee Collins and have my own irritating comedy show on Channel Four then this will count as valuable experience, if not to TV execs, but for me.

I really had four sections of the eighteen minute show to contribute to. Firstly, the show’s main presenter, Ben, interviewed me whilst I sat in a bath. I’m still not absolutely sure why we were sat in a bath. I think it was Ben’s perverted plot to have a fully clothed bath with me and he dressed it up as an interesting visual idea. When the interview was over I got out of the bath and did about four minutes of stand-up to a small audience, then there was a pre-recorded bit on tape which allowed us to set up the next stage which was Ben and I sat behind a desk doing a sort of news piece, and then finally there was a section where people competed to see how many marshmallows they could fit into their greedy mouths, and I helped gee up my team.

It was to be done ‘as live’ which meant we couldn’t stop at any point and redo bits which added to the pressure. There was a gallery upstairs where the various cameras were being directed and their images mixed together and so if effect it was really an 18 minute gig, but with lots of stuff to remember. We spent the majority of the morning rehearsing which was hot and tiring under the studio lights, then I popped to the pub at lunchtime for an hour to run through my bits in my head to make sure I’d remembered them, then there was one full run through (using different questions in the interview and different stand-up material so that the final take would look spontaneous) and then that final go, which went fine. I think everyone involved in the project, and there were about twenty individuals doing different jobs, can feel very pleased with themselves.

Tuesday 28th November 2006

Posted by on November 28, 2006 11:38 PM

So, continuing yesterday’s exploration of new reality TV formats, let’s keep this good work up, people. And if you think that I’m actually writing this on the 3rd of December and can’t remember what happened on Tuesday the 28th of November then you would be mistaken. This is far more important – this is about our futures. We’ll clean up from this. And obviously I’m not going to do all the work so I’ll expect you to submit your own suggestions.

My dear friend A has just been promoted and is now the Acquisitions Manager for a TV distribution and production company and so as soon as we hit on the BIG ONE, she’ll get to work pretty much immediately. So let’s create some TV boys and girls.

Okay, we’ve already got four cracking ideas so lets continue with

5. Tears For Fears

The beauty of this is it works equally well with washed up celebrities and desperate members of the public alike. Basically the contestants are put into a perfectly empty and transparent room surrounded by cameras. It is fantastically brightly lit and there is no-where to sit or relax. The contestants will, at first, revel in their TV environment and play up for the cameras whilst babbling on about themselves, but then, after about three weeks, they will begin to tire and become more subdued. After this they are separated from each other in a big Friday night episode and made to sit in their own brightly lit cells where a booming voice asks them to question what they are doing and why they would bother coming on a show like this? Gradually they will all be reduced to tears of insane self doubt and loathing, both the members of the public for being so desperate, and the celebrities for their lost status and careers. The first to cry every drop of moisture out of their bodies until they are a disgusting dried out husk will be crowned King or Queen of idiots and instantly forgotten by celebrity magazines that had been following the ordeal whilst in a cruel twist of fate the runner up will become the most famous person in the UK and get showered with advertising and late night TV presenting deals.

Monday 27th November 2006

Posted by on November 27, 2006 8:14 PM

I’m becoming less impressed with I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here now that it’s down to only a few contestants and they are more conscious of winning. It was better when they were just squabbling but now they seem to be on their best behaviour to win precious votes from the public. But it has none the less surprised me how much I’ve enjoyed this hit of reality TV, because having never properly watched the genre before (never really been into Big Brother for example) I’d have probably derided it as nonsense if someone asked me my opinion a month ago, but now that’s changed. Reality TV and celebrities humiliating themselves is great, I was a fool not to realise this before.

Maybe I’m A Celebrity is the best of the bunch, I don’t know. I’ve never watched things like Celebrity Love Island but I imagine they are inferior. And they don’t have Ant and Dec who are the best TV presenters currently on the air in my probably wrong and ill-informed mind. So seeing as I’m a big fan of reality tele now, here are some suggestions for new TV shows that should be made and make staying in an even more rewarding experience.

1. I’m A Celebrity… Honest.

A show in which ten celebrities you’ve never heard of, perhaps because they used to be in a soap opera in the seventies, have to convince viewers that they are famous by trawling through video achieves to try and find something they might have been in, or by bringing in photographic evidence of some sort of job in showbiz at some point in their lives that they can then hold up to camera whilst making a pleading face. One celebrity is voted off each week and the winner is the one who the general public think is most likely to be a celebrity.

Sunday 26th November 2006

Posted by on November 26, 2006 7:46 PM

That’s it: I’m hooked by this whole listening-to-cricket-on-the-radio-all-night thing now. Even though we are being put to the sword by the Australians there was a spirited fight back of sorts by England tonight (or during the day as it was in Brisbane – Australia are ten hours ahead of GMT, despite being about twenty years behind in other respects) and I was glued to the wireless. I never knew Cricket could be this gripping. Imagine how exiting it will be if England play well in a game and challenge the Aussies?

It doesn’t matter what’s happening on the pitch however, because the BBC commentary is shared between a few commentators and one of them is Henry Blofeld, or ‘Blowers’ as he is affectionately known. It’s hard to explain someone like Blowers to anyone outside of the UK, or why he has a job, because he is a relic of a Britain long gone and the product of a climate that will never again exist. He’s old-school, if you like. The bow tie, the education at Eton, the disconnection with the real world, the rather miffed reaction to words like ‘internet’, the eccentricity of a muddled old colonel, and most importantly in Henry’s case as a professional sports commentator, almost no idea what’s going on in the match being played out before his old eyes.

People either love him or loathe him. Cricket fans love him because he’s a sort of dusty old institution, but cricket fans also loathe him because he doesn’t really know anything about cricket. Well he knows lots of history I would imagine, although he very rarely seems to know stuff like the score, or who’s batting. Or which two teams are playing.

Saturday 25th November 2006

Posted by on November 25, 2006 6:32 PM

I’ve had a few weekends off recently and hence have really begun to enjoy the whole Stanley Camp lifestyle of not leaving the flat or even dressed, which I repeated today. I enjoy watching I’m A Celebrity and Match Of The Day, wrapped in a dressing gown and making the occasional cheap and nasty meal. I think if I were ever wrongly assessed as being mentally ill, or convicted of some sort of mental crime and put in an asylum where the patients just sit around in dressing gowns staring at a wall or playing table tennis (without a bat, or a table, or a ball) then I’d be perfectly content. Bring in on, that’s what I say.

England are playing Australia at cricket at the moment in The Ashes and are getting a stuffing. I am not a particularly huge cricket fan, the last match I watched properly was in the Ashes series of last summer, but I think there’s a danger I could really get into it again. This is the same as being one of those people who know nothing about football but pretend to be really into it during every World Cup or major international competition like the European Championships. These people are idiots and I am in the same category for only liking cricket during the Ashes but I don’t care.

The trouble is that the games are being played in Australia and seeing that the Aussies have selfishly insisted that they play during the day, we have to listen during the wee small hours of the night. In this test the matches begin at around midnight and go on until about 7am. Evil Rupert Murdoch has bought the TV rights for his Sky Corporation, which I don’t subscribe to, and so the only option is to listen to the unfolding events on the radio.

But there’s something rather old-world about this, almost as if you’re sitting in the British Embassy in Botswana in about 1924 with a gin and tonic listening to the cricket on the World Service whilst ordering the locals about in a racist and superior way. Aside from the racism bit, I quite like listening to cricket on the radio through the night, I’ve discovered, and I can see a fair amount of insomnia effecting huge swaths of the country over the next couple of months. Productivity in our industry will drop. Tempers will flare. Drivers will crash. How dare the Australians insist on playing during the daylight hours and not under the floodlights (or by torchlight) during the middle of their nights?

Friday 24th November 2006

Posted by on November 24, 2006 4:57 PM

A productive and positive day business wise. My phone rang at about nine o’clock this morning, the screen showing a number I didn’t recognise. I was going to press the cancel button because although I was awake I was still a bit groggy but I’m so glad I took the call. It was from a man called Knut in Berlin who has a website called Global Hangover Guide. We only became aware of this long after coming up with the name Global Hangover for our own project and although the name is slightly different, it was still going to cause major trademark and copyright problems. The other problem arose from the fact that Global Hangover Guide is a bar directory, and despite our idea being completely different it would also contain a bar directory and this, combined with such a similar name, was going to cause big problems and anyone would naturally assume we’d copied the site, even though in fact it would have been coincidence. So it needed to be sorted out.

Knut turns out to be a very pleasant man who has a good sense of humour and is open to negotiation. Unfortunately we don’t have any money to negotiate with, but I had suggested a profit share option when we are up and running (and if we make any money!) and so it looks like we will be exploring something along these lines. But anyway, it’s great that we now have verbal contact and have swapped phone numbers. Hopefully if everyone is honest and reasonable then we’ll come to an agreement soon.

Wade was coming up from London today for a meeting and rung soon after my conversation with Knut. I’ve never heard anyone drunker! It was very funny, he’d been working last night and hadn’t been to sleep. When he rung he needed to get to Euston but was wondering up Primrose Hill. I told him to wander back down Primrose Hill, head to Camden, and get to Euston. I don’t like bad drunks (who does?) but Wade’s state was amusing – almost childishly incoherent. He rang later from Euston saying he’d made the train with a minute to spare and I advised him to have a couple of coffees.

Thursday 23rd November 2006

Posted by on November 23, 2006 3:57 PM

This is the longest I’ve ever gone without updating this infernal website, being a full nine days behind. I think the longest I’ve previously been backlogged is five days and so now I’m faced with a proper slog to get it back on track, but I don’t mind, it’s testament to being busy more than laziness and so it’s not such a bad thing to be so off the pace.

It’s now the 2nd of December and one challenge in writing up the next few days will be remembering what happened but I’ve got a fair idea and if I can’t remember will deliberately write about something that’s not date specific, therefore cunningly sidestepping my awful memory and not looking stupid. It’s a perfect plan that can’t fail unless I advertise the fact that is what I am doing.

I am tactless.

It feels quite strange writing Pathetic Lot after such a long break, and doubtless the next few entries will be a bit rubbish and disjointed because as I sit here I have absolutely no idea how I’ve done this for so long because it seems quite hard. I suppose it’s like when you come back from holiday and your house seems unfamiliar, it’s amazing how quickly you can get out of the groove. Madonna famously advised people to get into the groove but I don’t think she appreciates how hard that can sometimes be. The non-Blog writing diva.

Wednesday 22nd November 2006

Posted by on November 22, 2006 4:02 AM

The toothache I mentioned I had over the weekend and into Monday, but didn’t seek medical help from, instead relying on aspirin, has now gone and has been absent for a couple of days. This is solid proof, if proof were ever needed, that the traditionally male tactic of ignoring ailments is the correct and sensible thing to do. I think I would have to have a limb hanging by a thread of tissue to go to a doctor, the chances of an arm reattaching itself to my body being too slim to take more than two or three days of sitting in bed wishing for a solution. It’s not really that I’m nervous of doctors or dentists, but there’s something idiotically wimpy about asking for assistance.

Although it’s wrong for people to not bother going to the doctor, indeed there was a thing in the paper about this recently that blamed the British ‘stiff upper lip’ for keeping us away, surgeries are normally very busy as it is and so if our attitudes to doctors and dentists changed the service would be overrun. We are doing our bit by not bothering to go.

I wonder if anyone has literally ever suffered from a stiff upper lip, say there is some sort of spasm in it or something, and not bothered going to the doctor? Even if it was effecting their speech or was very painful? The irony of that would be the most ironic thing to ever have happened in history. Alanis Morrissette could happily write about it in one of her songs and include it as the only ironic thing she lists in her song 'Ironic'.

Tuesday 21st November 2006

Posted by on November 21, 2006 3:23 AM

I met K today to try and cook up some ideas for a possible TV project. He’s the Blue Eyed Boy with the BBC at the moment, they like all his ideas, and he starts filming a sketch show on Monday. They’ve laid out the criteria for the various channels, and if we were to submit something it would go to the top of the pile, but from what I’ve experienced in the past personally and from what friends have been through, it’s a long and frustrating process without much chance of reward.

I’ve sold TV formats in the past, none of which have ever gone into production, and written scripts for about ten more that never got through the corridors of power even when there’s been some initial interest. Whilst this has rather hardened me to disappointments, which is a good thing, it’s also very much dampened my enthusiasm for starting new projects without any guarantees. There still aren’t any, but K’s got a position of power to an extent now and so it might be a good idea to give it one last shot.

But what to do? What to write? We met in the Tea Factory today for a bit of a natter and see if any ideas cropped out that we would be mutually interested in continuing or developing a stage further. What happened in the event is that we managed to slag off everything else of the TV without coming up with anything good ourselves and this is no real surprise. One writer sat in a room will find plenty to distract themselves with, so imagine how TWO, sat in a BAR, can find new methods of moving away from the task in hand. It’s to be expected though – it’s not that we were being unproductive. When an idea comes it will come out of nowhere.

Monday 20th November 2006

Posted by on November 20, 2006 5:01 PM

It was with the fondness and emotion of an American child leaving their beloved summer camp that I took a razor to my bearded face and bode farewell to Stanley Camp this morning. As the hair was washed from the razor and down the plug hole of the basin, I knew that I was washing away not only some poorly grown stubble, but the last of a lifestyle I would not be able to live again until the next time I can afford to spend several days alone in my flat without contacting the outside world. It is a good lifestyle – a sort of scummy version of the one adopted by Howard Hughes, and one day I will return to it. Probably in about a week.

But until that happy time, it was down to work and I had another meeting with the designers of The Project today. I really enjoy these meetings with FortyEight, it’s good to know that even whilst I have been having a weekend doing nothing, they’ve been hard at work trying to secure the success for the idea which means that one day I would actually be acting like Howard Hughes in the penthouse of a Vegas hotel, finger nails and becoming obsessed with germs. It is my greatest wish.

The Project continues to burgeon and expand. I know one thing for sure, I am not clever enough to pull this off. It’s going to need outside help. But as I’ve said on a few occasions now, my naivety and ignorance could act as a powerful force in the short-term. It’s the longer term success that will need a steady hand and acute business mind. A mind that does not exist in my skull. But I’m sure there are loads of businessmen and women who have their own companies, are completely incompetent, but have good people working for them that sort it all out. It might even be common.

Perhaps one day in the future I’ll be able to write a business book available at all airports called ‘Passing The Buck – How To Get Others To Make You Look Brilliant’ which will be a great comfort for other people who are trying to set up a company without the first idea of what they’re doing.

If you have your own company but are a complete idiot, drop me a line and let me know what problems you’ve faced.

Sunday 19th November 2006

Posted by on November 19, 2006 4:06 PM

Day three at Stanley Camp. If you have been reading the last couple of entries you will know I have gone on a camping expedition in my own flat, living like Ray Mears and only using my natural environment for sustenance. But a few days of living wild like this does have it’s health implications and today I got toothache. It’s only expected if you are in such a harsh environment for an extended period of time.

For several years I was having problems with one of my molar teeth down at the back and it had gone a bit rotten. Eventually I went to the dentist and they killed the root and whatnot which meant it didn’t hurt anymore but said I’d need to get it removed. The trouble was, getting it out was going to be tricky according to the dentist and I’d have to take a week or so off whilst the gum heeled. I wasn’t worried about the operation or discomfort because I am like Ray Mears but it was always going to be inconvenient not being able to talk properly for a week all for the advantage of having a big hole near the back of my mouth and seeing as I could neither really see the bad tooth, or feel it, naturally I never had this done.

But then the tooth itself started to disintegrate and break up a bit over the following couple of years. I quite enjoyed wobbling loose bits with my tongue and one day not too long ago a nice big bit (almost the whole of one side of the tooth) came off as I teased it with my fingers, which felt a bit odd. Now there’s only a shard of tooth down one side and nothing on the other side, but seeing as the root is dead, it doesn’t hurt.

I should have gone to the dentist then to get this all cleared up but having a look at the now battle-blasted tooth (not much of which appears above the gum, then there’s sort of a tooth crater) I realised that if it was going to be difficult and uncomfortable to remove back then, it would be impossible to remove cleanly now and so I never bothered. But today it started to hurt. Curse me and my habit of putting things off and Stanley Camp for reminding me of my stupidity.

Saturday 18th November 2006

Posted by on November 18, 2006 12:08 AM

My exile indoors continues and I’m getting stuff done. Stuff that doesn’t include showering or getting dressed which I don’t intend to do until Monday. One of the great advantages of living alone is you don’t have to make any concessions and I’ve enjoyed getting some work done and tidying the place up whilst I gradually get undone and less tidy in appearance. Seeing as I’m going to be incarcerated for a total of four nights without seeing the outside world or anyone in it, I think I might also see if I can grow a beard. This weekend will be some sort of indoor camping trip. I am the new Ray Mears of indoor living. Come Sunday night I will be finding bits of paper to set alight, adding some furniture, and cooking some cream crackers on my new campfire.

It would be quite a good experiment to spend a month indoors and only open the door to quickly drag in food parcels that you’ve arranged for Tesco Direct to bring to you. You would not be allowed to make any contact with the Tesco Direct man, but I suppose if you answered the door to him he would be so shocked by your torn underwear, long beard, confusion at trying to form a sentence and blinking bewilderment at the light of the outside world he’d run a mile anyway.

It would be good to adopt the life of a sort of savage, albeit a savage that has chosen to rent a flat in a converted warehouse. Ware Man. I think if I ever write another book (which surely I will after the astonishing success of The Power Of 10) I will do that. Let’s see… A novel is about 80,000 words. Divide that by thirty… That’s 2666 words a day for a month. That would take about an hour, hour and a half a day. Bloody hell I used to think writing a novel took someone ages. You could do ten a year! Anyway I know a lot of writing a novel is editing and that month of living like a savage in the same pants would only get you the 1st draft done, but then you could shave off your beard, put on some nice clothes, have a read of all the stuff you’ve written in a nice café and then have a little edit. You’ve still got the bulk of it done. Hmmm… a month indoors. I wonder if that’s healthy?

Well obviously it’s not but I wonder if it would be seriously detrimental to your health? Can’t be. There are loads of hermits out there. In there. Whatever.

Friday 17th November 2006

Posted by on November 17, 2006 3:45 PM

I’m experimenting with having a few evenings in to give my body a bit of a break. I am old now and it needs the occasional bit of time off. On that note, if any of you can recommend a good week long detox diet (which if it could loose me any weight at the same time would be doubly appreciated) then do send one in. Or send me a note saying ‘look on the internet – there are hundreds, literally hundreds’. That would be useful too.

And so I’ve been getting reacquainted with television, which ordinarily I never watch. I’ve been following the pointless progress of the contestants on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here on ITV most of the last week. I’ve always dismissed this without having properly watched it as the most ITV (the most commercial and mainstream of our main channels) programme in the world but it’s actually incredibly watchable. It’s funny – mainly because of it’s excellent presents Ant and Dec – but it’s also genuinely entertaining and well put together.

This format might well have been sold now to every country in the world (perhaps the Australian jungle is awash with TV crews and minor celebrities from every nation in neighbouring camps?) but for those of you not familiar with it, here’s a brief description. A group of twelve (?) celebrities are transported to the Australian jungle for a few weeks where they must live together under constant surveillance by an alarmingly large proportion of the British public. It’s got very high figures. The public then vote daily for one of the Celebs to do a trial which will normally involve having to eat live grubs or scramble around with rats. As they do these trials they have to collect star shaped tokens, and how many they manage to collect dictates how many meals are delivered to the camp that night. If they only manage one, then one meal will have to be shared between everyone and tempers will flair as stomachs groan.

So obviously the public vote for the person least likely to do the task well, therefore ensuring that the minor celebrities starve. There is not a single person phoning in their vote that wants them to do well and provide adequate food for the camp, of that I am absolutely sure. We want to see them suffer, argue, and fight.

Thursday 16th November 2006

Posted by on November 16, 2006 2:28 PM

And so Bond Day, the day we’ve been looking forward to feverishly for a couple of weeks since booking tickets for Casino Royale, finally arrived. It’s been enjoyable to look forward so much to the release of a film, because it’s refreshingly childish, and I was genuinely full of Christmas Day-style enthusiasm this morning. Wade had arrived from London last night and we made our way to Slater Street to meet Trevor in the Jacaranda and were soon joined by others.

I had debated wearing a tux for the occasion, seeing as I’d be the only one, and begun thinking it would be a silly idea. But Bond films are famously a bit silly and in the event I was glad I chose to, although fully aware it was very much like turning up to a Star Trek convention in full Starship Enterprise uniform. I also didn’t want to make out I was a bigger Bond fan than anyone else in the cinema, to be seen pulling rank if you like, because although I’ve been looking forward to Casino Royale more than any other film this year, I only have a sketchy knowledge of the franchise compared to some pathetic Bond nerds. I can’t even list all the Roger Moore era films in order. I am hopeless compared to a bona fide Bond geek.

But I was glad I wore the tux. And besides, if you’re turning up to the 2.45pm showing of a film on it’s day of release you can’t really hide your nerdiness or enthusiasm and so the crowd that had missed work to see this opening screening were all in the same boat. I bet they were all wishing they’d worn a tux too. Yes, that is what they were wishing.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… the FACT cinema is wonderful. They were doing special vodka martinis for £3.50 in the foyer and after we’d gone in and got our seats I thought it would be ridiculous to watch this film without one and so went back downstairs to sort it out.

Wednesday 15th November 2006

Posted by on November 15, 2006 1:43 AM

I have been asked to assist some students at John Moore’s University here in Liverpool in making a TV programme that is part of their course. They asked K but he wasn’t available and so he passed it on to me. There’s no money in it but I will end up with some footage of me dicking about which may well be handy for a promo DVD in the future.

They have access to the Universities TV studio where the programme will be recorded ‘as live’, which means we can’t really mess things up and redo them when the time comes to film it, the fifteen minute programme will be done in one take. And so today I went up to meet them all properly and do a technical rehearsal.

The TV studio is quite basic and the equipment in ageing but fair play to the university for having one at all and I’m sure that come the afternoon of filming it, when the set is built, it will all look good and come together. The show is called ‘Squeaky Clean’ (although I’m not 100% sure why yet) although one clue is that the set is going to be a bathroom. Not a real bathroom, you non-TV savvy morons, but simply a studio made to look like a bathroom.

Basically it’s a comedy show where there are several segments, including an interview bit, a stand-up bit, some pre-recorded bits that have already been done on outside locations, a band play, there’s some bits to camera in the style of Channel 4’s The Friday Night Project, and some events like breaking the record for how many marshmallows you can fit in your mouth. It’s for the 16 – 23 year old market I suppose, and seeing as it’s made my students aged 18 – 20 that’s no great surprise. I am the old man of the group.

Tuesday 14th November 2006

Posted by on November 14, 2006 7:51 PM

Today was the first, hopefully historic (!), writing session with my new protégé Isma Almas. For those who have been paying attention recently, she is a new comedian who I first saw a couple of weeks ago and was so convinced of her potential that I rang my beautiful agent and said that if she wasn’t signed immediately then another evil agent in That-London would sign her up and make lots of evil money.

Why can’t the evil money stay here in Liverpool?

I didn’t influence Paula signing Isma because she made her own mind up on that having watched her perform twice, so her future success can’t be credited to me in any way at all, but I am looking forward to writing with her and helping her in any way I can.

Writing is a horrible process ordinarily, and personally speaking it’s always been a very solitary one. Writing stand-up material is particularly difficult because often an idea, in it’s original form, will be very basic and not immediately funny to anyone, it’s more to do with fitting it into your show, putting your personality onto it, and quite often allowing it to bed in for a bit.

So in my mind I thought I’d write for Isma by looking at her material written out long-hand, opening a bottle of wine, and then sitting by myself thinking of things to change or to add. I’ve never successfully written anything when sat face to face with someone in a room and this is probably due to being quite self-conscious about blurting out ideas or lines in front of another comedian because there is always a sense of competitiveness and more often than not the things that come out of your mouth wont be funny and you’ll feel like an idiot. It’s all about ego I suppose.

Then there’s the problem of the person you’re writing with saying something that they think is really funny, but you don’t, and them enthusiastically saying “Ha! Yes! Put that in there, that’s the line!� when you’re thinking ‘Well it isn’t…. but okay, let’s not argue. I’ve got nothing better.’

Monday 13th November 2006

Posted by on November 13, 2006 6:49 PM

There was an outstanding programme on TV tonight called 100% English. Shown on Channel 4 it took a group of people and gave them cutting edge DNA tests to reveal where they would have originally come from in the world – something that can’t really be ascertained by family trees even if you manage to trace your history back many generations.

Apparently this technology is very new, and can give a global picture of where your ancestors would have come together from, in percentages (i.e. 21% Middle-Asia, 45% Southern Europe, etc) and then gave a second breakdown of where in Europe the European side of the family would have originated from before coming to England.

This alone would have made for reasonably interesting TV, but what made this absolutely gripping was that of the ten or so members of the public that took the test, all were either blatantly racist, all nationalists, and many actually insane. All considered themselves, with some pride, “100% English�. For example, there was a rather scary middle aged and middle class woman who wanted the English to be seen as a separate race, and to be treated as such. She was talking about 1066 and the Battle Of Hastings, etc, and some nonsense about how – in a round about way – the English were a master race. If she sounded like a demented version of Hitler, what made it scarier was she was being interviewed whilst strolling around a quaint country garden looking as harmless as anything.

So all these people were interviewed, and only one of them was likable (an impressionable 18 year old entering the army who thought that some aspects of Englishness were being lost to immigration and although short-sighted and misinformed wasn’t in the same category as the rest), the others being truly loathsome, bewildering and – as I say – pretty scary.

Sunday 12th November 2006

Posted by on November 12, 2006 3:32 PM

I felt like crap this morning and have certainly been over doing it recently. I am nearly thirty and can’t take the strain like I could even five years ago. Indeed even two years ago I was a lot better. I am going to have a detox for a few days (alright, until the Bond film on Thursday) and give myself a chance to catch up with some early nights and absolutely no booze. It would be interesting to do a fitness test on myself at the moment, although it would probably just annoy me. From my gym going days of last year when I ran ten kilometres in fifty five minutes every time I went in I’m now a pale shadow of that magnificent beast and although I walk everywhere and it wouldn’t be unusual for me to walk for an hour every day, I reckon I’m miles off the pace. I certainly am, in fact.

I need to get back to kicking a football around for a couple of hours every morning as I was doing in the summer. That’s amazingly good at getting you fit, especially if you can’t stand jogging or going to the gym like me. It’s also fun. Get three or four footballs, a big open space, a wall or something to aim at, and let yourself go like a dog off a leach. I suppose that if you’re running around on soft grass wearing football boots it does your joints a lot less damage than road running. Then there’s swimming… I quite enjoyed that. Why did I stop doing that?

I need to burn a few kilos too… Getting flabby. But I hate the gym and refuse to join another one. When the last gym sent me a letter saying how sorry they were, but they were going to be closing down, I did a back flip I was so happy. It was the perfect excuse not to go. “I would… But they’ve shut down.� It was such great news.

And gyms are going to be more intolerable over the next few weeks as every bloke that goes to watch Casino Royale will want to get a physique like Daniel Craig and get a personal trainer. Then they’ll realise they can’t get a physique like Daniel Craig and go back on the pies but for a month or so those infernal places are going to be jammed.

Saturday 11th November 2006

Posted by on November 11, 2006 3:00 PM

Wade returned to London today and we feel we’ve got a reasonable amount done although I’d like to try and pack more in next time. Although next time will be next week and will involve one meeting but really just going to watch the new James Bond film a juvenile number of times.

I think we need to find objectives for each day and make sure those are dealt with but that’s the trouble with the whole self-employed thing: there’s always tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes. I think we’re making good headway but we’re going to have to step it up a notch or two and that will be made easier when the office is kitted out properly. I don’t really want to spend more money on it though, and we have applied for funding, so maybe it’s better to wait… although I don’t know how long that will take. Perhaps it’s better to risk the money, assume the funding will happen, and then pay myself back? Oh hang on, this could very easily turn into another turgid work entry like most of the recent ones so I’ll stop now. Only this is really all that’s going on.

I was planning a quiet night in tonight, taking the opportunity for a Saturday without work to reacquaint myself with rubbish TV give myself a rest from the pubs and bars but T-A selfishly rang and said we’d arranged to go out this evening (she pulled this trick the other Saturday too if you remember) so we met in Doctor Duncan’s, went to Room, and then went up to the office. I can’t think for the life of me how time flew by so fast but it was soon the early hours and we ended up sleeping on the floor, wrapped in coats. What sort of behaviour is this? It was like a child’s sleep-over in a tree house or something…. Sounds like a great idea until you wake up freezing cold at 4am and want your bed.

Friday 10th November 2006

Posted by on November 10, 2006 12:07 PM

I felt we perhaps could have done more work yesterday (Wade is up for a limited time) and so it was good to have a meeting with the web designers Online48 today and have a look at progress. We found this company by pure accident and laziness (they were the top hit when I typed ‘Web Designers Liverpool’ into Google and so the first and only ones I set up a meeting with) but right from the word “Go!� (not that we ever said that word – it is an expression) they have been first rate. They are giving us ideas that we’d never have dreamed of, and are potentially valuable. I said to them today, during a great and energising meeting at their new offices, “You’re giving us these ideas, why don’t you just keep them for yourselves and make your own fortunes?� and they said “It’s what you’re paying us to do.�

I think that Online 48 (or ‘Forty Eight’ as the cool kids call them) are more noble than fire-fighters or people that work with special needs children. That is obvious to anyone.

We chatted for about two hours and in our next meeting next week will hopefully be able to ‘sign off’ the business card designs, logo and stationary. We even got a glimpse today at the first designs for the site itself which look very promising. Then we discussed the finished product of this first stage which is basically all mock-ups to take to people (should be done by the end of next month or early January hopefully) and left with a spring in our steps.

There are days when I feel we’re not getting anywhere, which is normally my fault, and I’ve got this terrible condition whereby if progress isn’t made I begin to feel the whole thing is dead in the water. This is nonsense because if nothing else, the Forty Eight lads are working on it everyday, but I need to make sure I but some positive hours in even on Saturdays and Sundays to make sure this works and to keep my own momentum going. Is it common to have the wind completely taken out of your sales if nothing happens for a couple of days?