I met my friend Kerry today who’s agreed to draw up the Muller ads and make them look professional, not like the work of a demented toddler.
It’s odd how some people can draw and others not. Even stranger how some people are artistic and others not. I suppose it would be a poorly functioning world if everyone was artistic – it would be a world of dandies, creatives and ne’er do wells. We need our methodical sorts.
I can’t draw very well, which is frustrating. Why is it my clumsy hands can’t pick up a pencil and transfer and image in my head onto paper whilst others, like Kerry, can do it easily? God has short changed me here and I for one will never forgive Him. When I meet my maker I’ll say “You’re not very good at making things. At least not very consistent. Look at me, shall I draw you a picture of how this makes me feel? Oh, sorry, I can’t, can I? You’ve not made me correctly.� That is what I’ll say.
And God will say “But I have given you a large, round head as compensation.�
“It’s not a consolation though. How is it a consolation?�
“Lots of people would like a large round head.�
“No they wouldn’t. It’s only me and dwarfs that have them. They’re rubbish. I would like to have had a normal head and the ability to draw. Now I’m in Heaven, can I have these things?�
“If you were in Heaven you could, but you are in purgatory for writing disrespectful things about me in your rubbish and glib Blog. The head and untalented hands remain.�
I had met Kerry in the Tea Factory. As I went to the bar, I stood next to a member of staff who was reading something. She hadn’t noticed me approach and jumped as I said “Excuse me.�
“Oh, I sh*t myself there!� she said.
It’s only a theory, but I don’t think a waitress in the 1920’s would have responded like that. I think had you entered a café in 1923, adjusted your moustache and approached a member of staff by saying “Excuse me, miss?� you’d have been quite surprised to hear her say “Oh, sorry Sir, I didn’t see you there. As a consequence, I nearly sh*t myself.�
Swearing is now far more acceptable than it was. There are still many professions where swearing is still off-limits, but fewer and fewer. It’s still unacceptable for pilots.
“This is your Captain speaking. We’re currently at our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. Which I think you’ll agree is pretty f**king high.�
I say it’s unacceptable for pilots, but then I’ve never flown on an Australian airline.
Some professions are all about swearing. When I met the guy about getting investment in Global Hangover in London the other week, everything was a sexual reference. That’s how city people speak, it’s very macho. I would like to see Gordon Brown deliver his budget speech in the same style.
Builders swear. They love swearing. I think the building trade is the only trade where swearing is not just acceptable, but expected. You’d be called in to see the foreman if you didn’t shout something rude off some scaffolding less than five times an hour. Standards need to be maintained.
Anyway, the waitress managed to compose herself enough to get the drinks in and there was no further embarrassment.
I was supposed to be cooking a meal for T-A tonight but my flat is messy and I’d not had the chance to tidy up today so I took her for a meal in The Monroe instead. It was fine, but I was quite disappointed that our waitress didn’t say anything rude. She didn’t even swear mildly, asking if we wanted a bloody starter or something like that. Still, with national standards in freefall, I’m sure we will all be able to enjoy a sweary meal out soon.
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