Saturday 9th September 2006

I’ve been asked to do a corporate gig for Bang And Olufsen, the high-end electronics lot, on Wednesday. Every comic dislikes doing corporate events and only agree to them because you get paid well. You can simply do some of your normal comedy club material, normally to chatter or silence and without a microphone, but sometimes it’s nice to have an idea what the evening or company is about so you can adjust accordingly.

This evening is apparently about making Bang And Olufsen’s very expensive and very male products attractive to women. I had this explained to me by the manager of the Liverpool branch, where the event is going to take place.

“Well,� he said, showing me a stereo that couldn’t be more male if it tried. “This stereo here has a small card in it, a memory card like you might get in your mobile phone, and you can record songs onto that and then put it into this [also very male] MP3 player here.�

I wasn’t sure how this was supposed to directly appeal to women.

“Well, we just need to explain to them how it works� he said.

I think it was a little patronising. I don’t know how a memory stick works. I presume you’ve got a chip in there, and that’s about it. I couldn’t design one.

“It’s not about how it works. We just need to explain to women that they can record all their songs onto this, and then go out running with it.�

Bang And Olufsen is a Danish company. Indeed ‘Bang and Olufsen’ is Danish for ‘bless their pretty little minds’. It’s the most sexist company ever! Holding an evening to show women how a stereo works!

It’s not really about stereos exclusively, though. It’s meant to be about gadgets for female executives. Yep, gonna be a great audience. So I suppose the idea is their sales people give all the ladies a glass of champagne and then try and convince them that buying a £8000 TV is a great idea and will make all their little programmes look all the better.

Bang And Olufsen is a shop for men, and a shop for stupid men with too much money.

I honestly think I’ll go on and say ‘Hello. And welcome, to Bang And Olufsen’s special evening to teach all you ladies women about gadgets. Not that you need teaching. Women know what gadgets are useful for. They are useful for men who can’t get women, or wrongly think that owning a gadget will make them more attractive to them.’

‘Men do it all the time. They say “Let me take your number… I’ll just programme that into my new Blackberry using this little stick pen… Hey! Where are you going?�’

‘I’ve never seen a woman sat having dinner with another woman where one says “You know, I’ve met this amazing guy!� “Really?! What’s he like?� “No idea, but he’s got the very latest Sat Nav system in his car.�’

‘�He’s got a little remote control helium zeppelin that he flies around his flat. He’s the best.�’

‘There are phones in here for £600! Why would anyone spend £600 on a phone? Because they haven’t got a woman to spend it on and they believe that having a £600 phone, shaped like a phallus, will get them one. But they’re wrong. Women don’t care about gadgets because you’re more intelligent than us and see a phone for what it is. A phone is a phone is a phone. It needs to be reliable, have all your friends numbers stored in it, and have a battery life of six hundred hours. That’s all. A man will think having a £600 phone makes him someway more attractive. He thinks women are going to be at his house for a meal and say “You know what, I don’t find you interesting, in fact I find you slightly nauseating, and if you don’t mind I’m going to call a cab home.� So he says “ Why not call a cab on my ridiculous £600 phone?� At which point he thinks she’s going to think “£600 phone. What am I thinking? This guy’s terrific.�

‘If you spent £600 on a phone to impress a woman you’re an idiot. Spend £20 on a phone the remaining £580 to two first class air tickets to Monte Carlo and you’ll impress a woman. Better yet, spend £20 on a phone, spend £100 on a meal, stick the rest in the bank and stop being a prick all your life.’

‘Gadgets are supposed to make your life easier. Not so. The best thing a new gadget’s for is getting you mugged for it in the street. That’s the main use of a gadget. You want to listen to music in the street? Hum a tune to yourself. Want to get robbed in the street? Get an iPod. Want to hear for oncoming traffic in the street? Use your ears. Want to get mown down by a bus? Get an iPod.’

‘Women would be more interested in gadgets if they had more of a practical purpose, because you’re more practical than men. Shoe phones. Now we’re talking some gadget’s, right? Nice pair of evening shoes, different colours, got a bit of Bluetooth going on in the heel… Got a earpiece in your bag you can just put in… “I’m talking with my new shoes! I love gadgets!�’

‘Women don’t need a £600 phone like this. Men don’t need one either but we need women and as previously explained this is the best way we can think of going about getting one. There are women looking at this phone thinking, ‘If you stuck a couple of batteries in it maybe…’’

Yep, that’s my idea for the Bang And Olufsen gig. Just slag the whole idea off. Trust me, trust me.

To Manchester tonight to meet A, Steve, Michelle and Athena, the infant-faced mini-human semi-person Greek. A and Steve went to Old Trafford to watch Man United play Spurs, which I watched on the big screen at The Waldorf Pub. Not great.

Out for dinner and then cocktails, getting quite fantastically drunk. Not to worry about the bill though, Bang And Olufsen will pay me handsomely for slagging them off in the week. One hopes.

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