Obviously only an ignorant fool would waste a full day in Edinburgh, and so that’s exactly what I did. I enjoyed a stroll around the New Town, then crossed down and up into the Old Town where I sat with the paper and watched the world go by for a bit, but there were no museums, no special tours or anything… none of the stuff you really should do with a day to kill in such an interesting place. But I was happy enough… maybe ignorance really is bliss?
There’s one Edinburgh tour that runs all year and has always grabbed my attention. It’s a ghost tour and is marketed with press quotes saying that it really is the most horrific and terrifying thing you will ever witness. I believe them and have therefore been too cowardly to go on it. You go into dungeons and black, mysterious rooms, which I have no doubt is a stupefying attack on the senses. I am quite scared of the supernatural and I reckon that the tour guides, having done this every night for countless nights, have probably got their performance and speech to a point where it’s seamless and disturbing. It annoys me that I am too childishly petrified of standing with a large group of people in an empty room being told ghost stories. Surely Lovejoy would have no problem with this, and once again I have to admit that the fictional antiques dealer/detective is far and away a better human being than I am.
I also fear that there would be some tricks employed on this tour, perhaps an extra member of the tour’s staff dresses as a ghost and jumps out at you or something or brushes his or her hand on your neck at a particularly terrifying part of the journey. I would hate this and probably spin round making wild punches with my petrified hands, perhaps causing injury to the innocent but irresponsible tour guide and being arrested by the police.
There would be no more humiliating a crime to have committed. ABH on a seventy year old tour guide who was pretending to be a ghost.
I don’t even like horror films. I don’t mind gore, but I don’t like the shocks. I don’t like the knowledge that something is about to jump out, and not knowing when it’s going to happen. One thing that scares me more than anything is someone clawing at a balloon, and not knowing when it’s going to pop. This really is pathetic but I’ve always hated popping balloons and if a child gets on a train near me with a balloon, I’d be tempted to swap seats. I don’t like the tension of waiting for it to go bang.
So it’s safe to say that if I’m too cowardly to stand next to a child holding a balloon, I’d be rubbish on a ghost tour. It’s curious though that whilst I’m too pathetic to be in the vicinity of a balloon, I’m more than happy to stand on a stage in front of lots of strangers doing comedy, something that lots of people say they would find nauseatingly frightening. I think the secret lies with the fact that standing next to a child with a balloon doesn’t involve a huge amount of ego, self-obsession, and the wrongly held belief that people want to listen to you, which is what stand-up is all about.
Some people don’t mind standing next to a child holding a balloon. Some people don’t mind walking onto a stage alone in front of hundreds of people. It’s horses for courses.
I was glad that because I did have to stand on a stage tonight, it would have been impossible for me to find time to go on the ghost tour anyway. I had the perfect excuse for anyone who came up and accused me of being too scared.
“No, I’m not scared of a silly ghost tour,� I say. “I’ve got to stand up in front of lots of people which is far scarier.�
“Not for you – it’s like you just said, your ego and self-obsession make this easy and natural.�
“What? What I just wrote in my Blog?�
“Yes, we can read that.�
“But how? How, when I’ve just written it, alone in my room…?�
“Because… We are ghosts!�
“AAAAAAARRRHHH!�
“Ha-Ha! You are scared of ghosts all along!�
The Stand was packed tonight and it was another really enjoyable show. This is one of the few comedy clubs where the audience are almost on top of you. They fan out in a semi circle around the small stage and the low roof and density of punters make for a cracking atmosphere. If you live near Edinburgh, which if you like in mainland Britain you do because it’s easy enough to get to and our island is small, then you must go.
And whilst in Edinburgh go on the Ghost Tour. It starts from The Royal Mile. Then get in touch and say how brilliant it is, and what a cowardly idiot I am for never having had the courage to go on it despite being a grown up human adult.
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