Tuesday 18th July 2006

We were sat having an early morning beer at Rome's Ciampino Airport, which is something of a shack and handles mainly budget carriers like Easyjet and Ryan Air. When you're faced with going home an airport is usually a depressing enough place (even when you're about to go somewhere exciting it is, at best, a frustrating place because it's where you loiter before actually getting anywhere good) and Ciampino is more depressing than most. Sarah and I bought a couple of English papers which would be unthinkable when you're lost in your Roman dream, but at the airport, surrounded by British idiots, there's no point in clinging onto that dream any longer and you might as well see what's going on at home.

There was a piece in The Times entitles 'Men - The Irrelevant Sex?' by Richard Morrison. It was about IVF clinics offering sperm donation services undergoing an overhaul, as well as Government legislation thats basically saying kids don't necessarily need a father to be brought up properly. Although this article is basically a valid current affairs piece, I always find headlines like 'Are Men Irrelevant' or 'Outer Space - a gardeners paradise?' or 'Yoga - the new Bare knuckle Fighting?' a little annoying, because they are clearly wrong and extremist. So the editor was wise on this occasion to couple the article with a light hearted piece by the always very enjoyable Hugo Rifkind entitled 'Twenty Reasons Women Still Need Men'.

I've made a conscious, but none the less natural decision when I write stand-up material to never really go into that 'Hey, aren't women different to men?' stuff, I think it's had it's day and normally means the women don't laugh or are forced to laugh at their own apparent stupidity because most comics are male (see later) but I found Hugo's piece funny so I respectfully reproduce it here, with my own comments under those under those of Mr Rifkind.

1. THE JARS CHARADE.

Hugo Rifkind: We know you are, actually, better at opening jars. We know that, in truth, we don't even loosen them. Still, you need to pretend you aren't that strong, and we need to pretend that we are. So everybody is happy.

Me: Forget women opening jars when we can't, which is at best annoying, I remember having to take a jar I couldn't open to my Granddad, who's in his 80s, which was just downright humiliating. The idea of women pretending not to be able to open them though, to make us feel better, is a scary one. What else do you pretend you can't do? Can you really knock up an Ikea wardrobe easily or read a road map perfectly but make us do it to save you the hassle? This would have to go down as the greatest military coup in the history of womankind.

2. THOSE LITTLE WORRIED INTAKES OF BREATH WE MAKE WHEN YOU DRIVE.

HR: We know how much we value them.

Me: NOTHING annoys a woman more than when, as a passenger in a woman's car, we keep quiet but make those little worried intakes of breath. Nothing. I think women would rather we grab the wheel. Actually, the thing that annoys them more is when we tighten up and squirm in the seat, thinking they've not noticed how panicked we are. They do notice, and they hate it. But there's some justification when doing in the case of some female drivers, just as a woman would feel uncomfortable when riding at 110 mph down through an industrial estate with a boy racer at 3am. Oh no, sorry, I forgot you love that. Weirdoes. Suicidal weirdoes.

3. MODERATING YOUR FOOD INTAKE.

HR: When on a "diet" you can pile as much food as you like on a plate, provided you pile slightly more onto ours. Without men, you would have to do this with each other. There would be fights.

Me: Here's how to annoy a lady. When in a fast food outlet, allow her to order first, making sure to say "No, go ahead, of course it's not greedy to order a Big Mac and a cheese burger with large milkshake all for yourself. You go for it" before ordering a packet of sliced fruit and a bottle of mineral water for yourself. They'll not enjoy a bite of their meal.

4. ACTUALLY BUYING THE CHIPS.

HR: Similar, this.

Me: There's that theory women have that if we order the fattening crap they crave so much, even if they're standing at the counter with us, they are somehow not guilty of stuffing it down because, I suppose, they can use the excuse that it would be a shame to let it go to waste. This is false.

5. DEMONSTRATING THE LIMITATIONS OF DIY.

HR: Without men, you wouldn't know how hard it is to put up shelves. You wouldn't know that, actually, drills can be tricky. You wouldn't have a house full of jagged holes in the plasterwork, and cupboards that don't quite close. Your lives would be intellectually poorer.

Me: Men have made a rock for their backs by assuming the DIY duties because just as not every man could fly a fighter plane, not every man can use one of those things with an air bubble in some fluid to tell if a surface is straight or level, nor even know what one of these tools is even called. Combine this with the truism men that find instructions about as insulting as a derogatory remark about their genitals, we really aren't the best suited for constructing anything. The reason men work on building sites is based entirely on tradition and has nothing to do with natural aptitude, if these jobs were given to women (aside from operating the crane, we don't want any accidents) we'd have a road bridge over the Atlantic to New York by now. Straight to Macy's.

6. YOU NEED ACTORS.

HR. You need men to play those deeply unconvincing roles in those romantic comedy films you give every sign of quite honestly enjoying, despite often having a degree.

Me: Women use these films for escapism, so matter how intelligent they are. Men never use films for escapism. If we're watching 'Commando', we don't see it as escapism, we see it as training.

7. WHERE DO YOU THINK COINS COME FROM?

HR: From our pockets, that's where, to be distributed in little piles at useful locations around the house. Where would you get your change from otherwise?

Me: It's true, women hate coins - perhaps because they believe receiving them counts as putting on weight. Coming up to a toll bridge, you'd be stuck at the gate for the rest of time unless you had a man next to you (making little short intakes of breath) to dig into his pockets. Of course women are alien to coins because you only pay with cards or a cheque. Men prefer cash because they feel they are doing a drug deal, even if they're buying a pack of mints.

8. YOU NEVER HAVE TO SIT IN THE CRAP SEAT FACING THE WALL IN A RESTAURANT.

HR: We do, all the time. It's rubbish.

Me: I'm afraid I'm slightly at odds with Mr Rifkind here. When I go to a restaurant alone I don't care where I sit. In fact, if they sat me in the kitchen I'd see that as a territorial advantage. Men don't go to a restaurant to be seen because a restaurant is where they serve food, and men use food as a means to remain alive or line our stomachs for a night out - nothing more. Appreciating food on any other level than essential substanance might be seen as a little bit fey.

9. WE ALWAYS KNOW WHICH REMOTE CONTROL IS WHICH.

HR: For God's sake, it's the grey one. No, the grey one. That one's for the DVD. That one's for the cable. The bloody grey one. It's grey.

Me: Yeah, it's the little things that annoy us and this is a prime example. There are three remote controls, and a man will automatically know that the one with the 'play' 'rewind' and 'fast forward' buttons isn't for the TV. They know that the one with the four coloured buttons for digital functions or teletext is for the TV. We call this logic. Women consider it arrogance of the highest order. "What do you mean it's obvious which one is for Sky?" Because it's got the circle of green buttons on it! The big buttons that are only for Sky! You know the difference between your house key and your car key? It's the same thing for chrissakes!

10. SOMETIMES, IT REALLY WASN"T THE DOG.

HR: Aren't you so much happier being able to pretend that it was one of us?

Me: Farting in company is absolutely fine. Farting when that company includes a woman is not and I find it perfectly acceptable for women to criticise that. I'm with you there, Sisters. Not that it's a perfectly level playing field... If a girlfriend of mine was to fart in my company (and I've no solid proof they can even perform this bodily function) the relationship would be over. If there were kids to consider, it would need a lot of counselling and hypnosis on my part to even begin to get over what you've just done. Revolting.

11. PLUGS ARE IMPORTANT.

HR: Likewise batteries, power leads, and all the things required to plug an iPod into a stereo. You'd realise this if we were gone.

Me: Same as the remote control thing, isn't it? Whilst a man will never understand how a woman can make sense of a complicated knitting pattern, you will never understand how we know the difference from a phono and scart lead. In both cases, the answer is ridiculously simple. You know how you can't charge your mobile phone off the DVD player? There's a reason for that.

12. WE HELP WHEN YOU DRESS.

HR: You think another woman would come around to your house and repeatedly tap her watch and give signs of wide-eyed, exasperated incredulity whenever you decide to change your top? Dream on, love.

Me: And if you think we don't know you only do this to annoy us, keep dreaming. You could get dressed in no time if there was a fire, you're not doing it for the first time. Here's the rule: The thing you had on first was the best. That's why you put it on first.

13. WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE A FEMALE DRUG DEALER?

HR: Crime prevention statistics would suffer without all of those hopelessly identifiable men.

Me: Women would make great drug dealers. Men would buy more drugs than they normally consume from them, in the hope of looking hard, and indeed even straight-laced anti-drug accountants would gladly buy an eight ball of cocaine every Friday night if they thought they might get a fake, but none the less invaluable, approving look from a beautiful girl when they did so. Throw the drugs in the canal, it wouldn't matter, you sure impressed her. Yes, Sir.

14. IT IS MUCH EASIER TO ENBARRASS A MALE GRANDCHILD BY SPITTING ON A TISSUE AND WIPING IT'S CHEEK.

HR: You may regret their absence, in later years.

Me: Having not been eight for a number of years, I don't know if this practice still continues. Surely medical science has progressed to the extent that we now know that rubbing saliva onto another persons scrunched up face is neither as effective or humane as a Wet Wipe.

15. WE HAVE POCKETS.

HR: Why don't you have pockets?

Me: True of course, and even when a woman is being horribly 21st Century and wearing trousers or jeans they wont use the pockets, only the bag. Men pay for more stuff not through gallantry or tradition, but because we carry money on our person and not in a satellite object that needs opening and delving into. And some times things are best paid for with coins, like parking meters, and we've already established that's our territory.

16. BARBECUES ARE BEST MANAGED BY MEN.

HR: Why this should be true, nobody knows. But it is.

Me: I know why this is. The barbecue involves cooking food badly, often dangerously badly. Having less culinary skills than women, this makes it an ideal task for us to tackle. If barbecued food was supposed to be nice, even safe, then we'd hand over the tongs immediately. The fact men think they're doing it right is surely endearing and sweet, ladies? Bless us. Bless us all. "Pass the petrol, love. This thing needs a wee booster."

17. IFWE DIDN"T KILL YOUR PLANTS, YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BUY NEW ONES.

HR: Secretly, you like buying new plants. We know.

Me: Men are poor horticulturalists and we know it. A plant being taken home from the shops by a man has a more worrying future than a soldier being taken hostage by the enemy. In a man's house, the plant will be deprived of water and nutrition for weeks at a time before having a dirty pint glass of water thrown in it's face every so often to keep it conscious through the torture.

18. YOU NEVER BUY TOMATO KETCHUP.

HR: See also: non-French cheese, white bread, new cars etc.

Me: I can't say women don't buy tomato ketchup for sure, but I'll take Hugo's word on that. What I do know is that you're in a woman's house and you fancy a snack you're restricted to penne pasta mixed with a Dairy Milk. Add a bottle of Cava for flavour.

19. OUR RAZOR BLADES ARE CHEAPER THAN YOUR RAZOR BLADES.

HR: You would no longer be able to exploit this.

Me: And male and female razors are the same, save the design of the handle. I've been in a woman's bathroom before and had a shave with one of those female Gillette razors and found it to be better than my Mach 3. The reason they're more expensive is because you have a monthly cosmetics budget close to the national debt of Tunisia and so it goes unnoticed. We've used the same razor blade for three weeks and we'll be damned if we're paying those prices for new ones.

20. THE WORLD NEEDS STAND-UP COMEDIANS.

HR: For some reason, you still aren't very good at that.

Me: I'm afraid it's true. There are, of course, good female stand-ups but this is my profession and I can tell you they are in very, very short supply. I adore Joan Rivers. Jo Brand is consistently great - but what are her favourite topics? Being fat and being female. Female comedians talk too much about being female, just as comic who isn't white feels the need to talk about their race continually. I've never seen a black comic who's not mentioned they're black. Gay comedians do stuff about being gay. I'd love, LOVE, to see a black, gay comedian never mention either being black or gay. I think they might instantly become my favourite stand-up. Why aren't women great at stand-up? Because the only reason to do stand-up is to show off and get women. And how many hilarious, show-off lesbians wanting to make it in show-biz are there? Not enough by the look of things.

Only a bit of fun girls, only a bit of fun. Open fire in the comments section.

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