Tuesday 11th July 2006

Let me put forward my nominee for the most annoying sound in the world. It's not, to my mind, the sound of finger nails being scraped down a blackboard, nor a crying baby on a long flight, not even John Motson. No, the most annoying sound in the world is that of a band sound checking.

Where I live in Liverpool there is a massive green and yellow tent which gets erected next to my building every year for a month and hosts a series of concerts which go under the banner Summer Pops. We had The Who down the other day. Pet Shop Boys. And today (I write on Wednesday) it's Jeff Beck. I've nothing against Beck himself, but his damn drummer (or more probably a roadie) has been 'checking' the drums all afternoon resulting in a rhythmic thump emanating for the tent every few seconds. I'd say it works - leave it alone.

Imagine sat in front of a drum kit for several hours whilst a child hits it, and then put that sound through a 5000 watt sound system and listen to it through a pillow - that's the sound I've had all afternoon.

And it's only the drums! I've not heard them test the guitars, or the vocals, just the drums. This is because the drum is the only instrument a roadie can play and so they delight in sitting on the stage, playing out long lost rock star fantasies, and testing the things to an inch of their lives. This is true of all the bands I've seen sound check, the drums always take the longest.

The vocal check is pretty annoying. "One." "One." "One two". "One." "One Two."

This can go on for about half an hour. The guitar check lasts the shortest amount of time, which is surprising because you'd think it's the most important sound to get right. You'd think the order of importance would be;

1. Guitars.
2. Vocals.
3. Bass.
4. Any keyboards.
5. Drums.

Maybe vocals first. But you hear nothing of the top four, only the damn drums.

I know it's important to get the sound of a band right but it's excessive. And if they're touring, just set it up exactly the same as the night before. It's like they're doing everything for the first time. Yeah, yeah, the room's different so the acoustics are different, but that's just a minor tweak surely? And is there not a computer that can automatically adjust everything? Once you know how you want every instrument to sound, type that in, type in the dimensions of the room, and bang - all done. There would definitely be a programme capable of that but it's probably been banned from all tours because roadies like sound checking and making themselves look old, hairy and wise. It's their art.

Never annoy a roadie or sound technician. Even as a comic they can mess you up. No matter how arrogant they are (and sound people are always arrogant) be really nice or they'll make a dog's dinner of your show on purpose.

But that's the thing with comedy - we don't sound check. We might check the mic's working but that's it. We don't stand there on stage looking out to an empty room saying;

"A man walks into a bar. BAR. BAR. Man walks into a BAR. BAR. BAR. So I had a terrible time getting here tonight. GETTING HERE. GET. GET. GETTING HERE."

Anyway, what happened today that I can tell you about? Oh, one thing made me laugh. I met my polish friend Renata. She wanted to know about my American trip and asked me to explain what Los Angles is like.

"Well it's a vast urban sprawl because it's essentially twenty eight cities put together."

She nodded. "So it is like Stoke?"

Stoke is a collection of four towns.

I loved that. The comparison of Stoke and LA. I told her that LA is probably the polar opposite to Stoke. There's no greater cultural gap. It's impossible to think of anywhere less like LA than Stoke. Chernobyl has more in common with LA than Stoke. Bless her. Bless her simple Polish ways.

"Polish WAYS. WAYS. Polish WAYS. Bless her Polish WAYS. Two. Two. Two. Two. Polish WAYS."

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