I don't know why I thought to post up some holiday photos after yesterday's entry - it was only afterwards I realised how dull that makes me, no better than the dreaded stereotypical living room slide shows of the seventies. Nobody likes to look at someone else's holiday photos, they're not interesting, in just the same way that you'll never find someone else's baby as cute or remarkable as they do. It's difficult, because you had a good time on your holiday, and saw things that are unique, and so there's an odd urge to show these things to people under the misunderstanding that in doing so will somehow manage to recreate your holiday fun and excitement for their benefit, when of course it will not. If you've been to the Grand Canyon, then great, but that experience cannot be appreciated by someone looking at some seven by five inch prints. All you're doing in showing someone your holiday photos is showing off - nothing more. When people say "Oh, yes, that would be interesting" when you offer to show them your holiday photos they're being polite, whilst internally sobbing.
I've committed a worse crime because I've published some of my photos on the World Wide Web, in the belief that the rest of the world would want to look at them. My friends wouldn't want to see them, let alone strangers. As a rule, people only want to see a photograph if they're in them, or they contain a naked lady. There's a great deal of interest, and then - in my case - immediate disappointment in seeing yourself in someone else's photos. We're selfish, unless we feature in a photograph we're not interested. The only time we take any pleasure or gratification in looking at a photograph containing anyone aside from ourselves is if they're someone we used to know and love who are now dead. That's the harsh truth of it. And not dead IN the photo, that would be deeply upsetting.
Needless to say, showing someone your holiday photos is just rubbing their nose in it, reminding them that you've been having a better time than them. "When you were in the office last week, getting a telling off because you messed that contract up, I was here, look, sitting with an ice cream by the Leaning Tower Of Pisa. Look. Look at what I was doing. Were you doing that? No. No you weren't. So..."
Then there's postcards. The postcard sent from a foreign, and generally better, place is worse. That's so wrong it should be sent with an apology. Okay, the idea is you're thinking of someone, and they're supposed to be pleased with that, but you only ever remind someone that you're thinking of them when you're someone beautiful and they're not, which is to say "I was just thinking of you. And what a better position I'm currently in." It's like sending someone in prison a holiday brochure.
When you're not on holiday, but sat at home, you don't send someone a postcard, or nice letter, to remind them you're thinking of them. That would be lovely. Just send someone a little note, just saying 'Hi', to make them realise that you're just thinking of them generally. We wouldn't dream of doing that unless there's something to show off about. We call people to say 'Hi' for no reason, but let's be honest, that's just because we're bored and could do with a chat. Or we have a bit of news. We don't go to the bother of posting anyone a little note or postcard of the city we live in, just to remind them that they're in our thoughts. Unless we can somehow get them envious - we're not bothered.
Sometimes people like to write stuff on the front of their postcards. Typically, this will be a little cross in biro by a window of a hotel and beside it 'Our room here!'. Brilliant - thanks for that. If I happen to be parachuting in the area and fancy dropping in I'll know where to go. And quite often people can't even be bothered posting the postcards when they're abroad so they take them home with them, put on a local stamp, and stick them in the post that way. What's that saying? "I was thinking of you, well, thinking of showing off to you, but wasn't thinking of you enough to post the card, I was only getting pleasure in writing it, and so I didn't bother but here it is anyway. I hope you appreciate it."
People write 'Wish you were here' on their postcards. This is a big fat lie. If they were there you wouldn't be able to show off to them, and put your tanned arm up against their milky white arm when you got home. You'd hate it if they were there. The fact they aren't there is half the pleasure of a holiday - you've got the sweeter deal.
We behave inconsiderately when we get back from a trip, we are holiday bores. But just talking about your holiday is one thing, showing boring and irrelevant photographs is virtual mocking. When someone gets back off a trip it's customary and polite to ask them if they had a good time, to which they'll probably say "Yes, thanks, it was great." And then leave it at that. That's all you need to know. That's all they need to tell you. They don't have to say "Yeah, we had a great time. And in case you don't believe me, for whatever reason, here's two hundred pieces of evidence."
I'm sorry, but we're just not that interested in other peoples' experiences abroad. If they've got a great story about getting arrested for stealing a yacht and trying to sail to Africa, them great, we're all ears. But information about how great the breakfast buffet was in the mornings, and how "they just eat fruit and fish over there you know - it's so healthy" isn't interesting to even the most bored person in the world.
So I don't know why I posted the photos yesterday, I know they're of no benefit or interest to anyone, and in future I promise to continue to boast about having a high old time, far better than you, within the text. That's a personal guarantee.
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