I've never been a big one for shopping, I don't particularly enjoy it, and mercifully I've never got a buzz or rush out of it, but today's shopping expedition was rather tasty. Out by The Lowry in Salford Quays exists a place called The Salford Outlet Mall which offers discounts over high street prices because it's full of 'outlet' shops, and whilst I'm unclear what exactly this means (is it stuff they couldn't sell?) it spells bargains and today's purchases will be all the most prized for their value.
There comes a point in every man's life when he needs to be the owner of a good tuxedo. I believe the educated classes refer to them as dinner suits, but I like the word 'tux'. People say "Why buy one, how often are you going to wear it? Just hire one when need be." No. For one thing, hired tuxedoes are rubbish and have been dry cleaned several hundred times after continual wear by oafs at Christmas parties and weddings. You don't want that. Two, you can get huge amounts of wear out of a tux if you have one at your disposal, because far from being 'occasional wear', the dinner suit can be used for all manner of occasions, or simply worn on a whim.
I know we've touched on this subject very recently, but I reiterate this to help justify myself buying one today. They can be worn in the local pub, as people will assume you've been to a function and now just fancy a pint, they can be worn to any other hostilely for the same reason, and they can gain you access to any function you're not invited to. Who's going to turn you away? If you're wearing an immaculate tux it's clear you've been invited. They are the golden ticket. And Jabba The Hut would look good in one, they make any bloke look exactly 5.4 times better looking than he actually is.
I've seen this shop in the Salford Outlet Mall the other day when I went there to guest on XFM. It's a store called, awfully, 'Suits You' (tailors should not have a pun in their name, only hairdressers and tanning shops should stick to this rule), but it is a decent shop and the staff seem well trained. There was a great white dinner jacket in the window, reduced dramatically, and so today I bought a classic black dinner suit, and the white jacket too, which essentially means I now have two dinner suits - because you wear the same shirt and trousers regardless of the jacket. Nice.
I picked up a cummerbund and three different bow ties, and a couple of handkerchiefs. The whole lot, and this is two suits remember, plus all the accessories, came to about £300. I know that's a lot of money, but the suits are outstanding quality and are worth at least double that. And I'm now good to go, they'll last me years. And who knows what doors they'll open? You take a stranger who's mysteriously turned up in a tux seriously.
The immediate reason for the purchase of these items is the cocktail night down at The Lion on Saturday (8pm if you own your own suit, or little black number for the gals) but they'll come in very handy in Vegas next week for The Modern Drunkard Convention. Also, I might just wander out dressed in one whilst in New York - God knows where that will lead me.
I think I might also do the occasional stand-up gig in them. Not at the bigger clubs, but rather in the small, dive clubs. And offer no explanation.
And then, as I say, there will be plenty of evenings when back home that they'll be taken out of the wardrobe. I'll have tux evenings. I might instruct Trevor to get one too and we'll phone each other; "See you in The Jacaranda at eight. Shall we tux it? Okay, nice one. See you then."
When it came to the bow ties, I took an essential gamble and only bought the tie-your-own variety, for this is what a gentleman does. It's a risk because I don't know how to tie a bow tie and looking at the internet for instructions today found it to be incredibly difficult. But it's a right of passage thing, you should know how to tie a bow tie. I think it's just a case of continual practice, and whilst a lot of bother compared to the easy ready-tied variety, it affords you that great look after midnight when the tie has come undone and hangs around your neck. A empty bottle of champagne and the ability to play the piano or croon are essential ingredients here - I'll have to work on those.
There is no better look than a man walking through deserted streets by a river at six a.m. in a dinner suit with a bow tie hung around his neck, carrying an empty bottle. You know he's had an amazing night and has stories to tell.
Went out on a bit of a solo session this evening and bumped into a friend of a friend with all his student mates. Students... Anyway, I'd had enough to drink to agree to go with them to The Blue Angel, otherwise known as The Razz, and infamous for being the easiest pick-up joint in town. Awful place. It was completely empty however and we danced to indie tunes on the dance floor as a lonely group, but no matter, it was funny. I'll give you an idea of what this place is like, I was drinking Special Brew from a bottle, a drink best reserved for benches.
It was back to their house in Aigbuth later and why oh why are all student houses the same? Always exactly the same. Disgrace of a kitchen with large bottles of vile blackcurrant cordial and huge bags of pasta. One of the housemates, a bloke I've known through association for a while called Ben, knew how to tie a bow tie and showed me how to do it several times but I was drunk and still couldn't master it. Damn it all, I'll get it one day. It's a cad's licence.
Left at 5am and sat by the bowling green at Aigburth Cricket Club for the first train back into town. But without a dinner suit, and without a tie around my neck, and without a bottle. But times they are a-changin'.
- Post to:
del.icio.us
Digg
Newsvine
Nowpublic
Reddit
« Previous | Home | Next »