Pub quiz night down at The Lion this evening and as per usual I formed a team with Landlord John and Paul. I don't really play an active role in the quiz, pretending to watch the TV and then casually offering an answer when I know one, which is rare. This fails to give me the desired air of someone who knows everything but only chooses to proffer this information occasionally, but I'll continue to practice it.
Next week, if you're interested, is the first of two heats to compete for a place in the regional leg of a national pub quiz competition. You'd then have to progress to the national stage, and then probably against the nation's most knowledgeable people, and then you'd stand to win a £2000 prize.
But you can forget about the money because in the latter stages, you'd be competing against freaks. Freaks I say. These are the pros, the people with heads so full of useless information they are impossible to beat. Minds jam packed with utter, utter banality and inconsequential nonsense. How they acquire all this knowledge is a mystery, because I don't know how you'd source such diverse facts, but they know everything. What's the population of Lima? No, not now, in 1964. They know that. Do you? No. You idiot.
What Laurel And Hardy film was the first film to be shot using a new film grade? They know that. They know every stat, every date, every bit of random curiosity... they're machines these people. Machines I say.
But machines programmed to win pub quizzes and nothing more, because the sort of knowledge they specialise in has no practical application, save for winning pub quizzes, and perhaps settling arguments in pubs between groups of people that can't decide how many goals Chile scored in the 1970 World Cup. Before half time. From headers.
If the pub quiz, or any trivia quiz held in any environment, was the recognised way of determining how clever and good you were as a person, I'd be ranked slightly below an imbecile. I really don't know any of the rubbish they ask in quizzes, and I've never been sure if that's a good thing or not. Sure, I'm glad I haven't clogged up my limited and poor memory with pointless facts, but at the same time it concerns me that I don't seem to have a good ability for retaining information that I must get exposed to every day.
I'm alright at football questions and can remember lots of obscure players, but that's really my only specialist subject. And there's too much I don't know about football for it to be considered my specialist subject. But the pub quiz experts, they know everything about football even if they hate the sport. They have no interest in the game, but will know every statistic about it, just as a point of pride. Which is why they are freaks.
I'd quite like to be an observer at a high-level pub quiz final, where the big boys are competing, just to see the level of their knowledge. I would also make a point of making a very beautiful lady accompany me for the evening so I could laugh at them and say "Ha! You might know lots of stuff, but do you know how to pull a bit of skirt like this? No! So I win."
They'd probably say "You've not pulled her. She's clearly a friend you've cajoled into attending with you, or an escort girl."
And I'd say "No she isn't, she's my actual proper girlfriend. She's not costing £300, she's absolutely free."
And they'd say "It's interesting you say £300, almost as if you know how much an escort costs."
And I'd say "Well at least I know a good fact like that, not how many atoms there are in the average copper door knocker."
And they'd say "Approximately five trillion."
And I'd say "Freaks! All of you!" And I'd try and kiss my beautiful girlfriend to show them who's the better man.
And she'd say "Kissing's extra."
If I ever have a child, instead of forcing them to play tennis or football from the age of two so they become millionaire stars of the sport and make my retirement years all the more comfortable (don't waste your wages paying into a pension, have a prodigy child) I'm going to force them to digest books of facts from the day they learn to focus on a page. I'll read them facts as they go to sleep. Then they'll win every pub quiz in the land and as their manager, I'll pocket 15% of the winnings. I'll be set up.
I care not that my child will be a social outcast unable to talk to the opposite sex, I'll be the manager of the most trivia-stuffed human in the world and that is all I want. If you are an attractive woman and want to buy into this franchise by also having a trivia obsessed son or daughter, then get in touch and we'll put our plan into action.
- Post to:
del.icio.us
Digg
Newsvine
Nowpublic
Reddit
« Previous | Home | Next »