To the theatre tonight to see an old Edwardian play called The Lady Of Leisure at The Playhouse. It was written in 1907 by the caddishly named Hubert Henry Davis and was the big hit of that year, and unsurprisingly, as it contains all the best of Edwardian life. There’s the decadence, the cigars and the preposterous aristocratic behaviour, all wrapped up in a ludicrous and great script.
It’s the story of a rich wife called Mrs Baxter who’s so fantastically idle, so brilliantly lazy – and extremely ingenious at finding new ways to be so – that she’s dubbed a ‘mollusc’ by her newly arrived brother, the bombastic Tom, straight back from Colorado. He argues that whilst a merely lazy person will be pushed and pulled about by the tide, a mollusc will use an amazing amount of force to remain doing nothing.
She looked after by her rich and clueless husband, and also by her children’s governess. But with Tom’s arrival from America, this happy arrangement of hers is all shaken up as he decides to rid everyone of her idleness and falls in love with the governess at the same time. So the play is basically about how to ignite and jump-start the most bone idle and cunning woman on the planet. Which is hugely entertaining, very funny, and runs until June 3rd, so I’d very much recommend you get a ticket. Ring 0151 709 4776.
I never go to the theatre and tonight reminded me of what I’m missing. I love the whole routine, but I’m put off by the fear a play might be rubbish (can you just leave mid way through a performance or is it not the done thing?) and also my ignorance of Shakespeare and the classics. I honestly don’t know if I’d enjoy even a great performance of, say, The Tempest, because I’m clueless about the whole of that sphere and often don’t understand what’s going on. This annoys me, and I take that out on the theatre as a whole by never going to watch anything and educate myself.
Silly though, because GOING to the theatre’s great, even if the production isn’t. I like the pageantry of standing in the bar beforehand, the bell that announces you should take your seats, the house lights dimming, the slightly too long first act, the drinks waiting for you on a table over a piece of paper with your name on it at the interval. The shorter second acts, and then going out into the evening afterwards, feeling a little like Frasier because you’ve got a ready made intellectual discussion at your fingertips. It’s a lot better than going to the cinema for a thousand reasons, but similar in as much as you’re going to see a show, so why is the cinema so popular and the theatre struggles?
When I say ‘theatre’, I don’t mean a musical I hope you’ll note. The musical is the lowest form of art ever conceived. See a homeless bloke blowing through a mouth organ congealed with spit and vomit on the street? That’s a higher form of art than a musical. Mad Bob stamping this toeless boot on the pavement and singing ‘Clementine’ is way, way above Phantom Of The Opera or Cats, but far, far below going to the theatre to see a proper play. Here’s the scale, starting with the lowest form of live entertainment.
1. A musical.
2. A show like Hot Ice, or Disney On Ice, Tarzan, or any sort of franchised show from a film put to music.
3. Mad Bob.
4. The cinema.
5. A comedy club.
6. The theatre.
7. A music gig by someone of credibility.
8. A Classical concert (by trained musicians, not a homeless man)
9. The Opera (same rule applies).
I’m in two minds about what’s worse, a musical or Disney On Ice. Both would be three hours of hell but you’d have to say it’s still the musical because Disney On Ice is really for children, and it’s great for that purpose, but it’s mainly adults that choose to go to musicals. People who are allowed to vote go to musicals, worryingly. Any adults who choose to go and watch Disney On Ice without children are probably from Stoke, go on a coach trip once a year, and should never be approached. They could be volatile and may throw the contents of their flask at you.
I’ve put the opera at the top of the list because although it’s normally quite boring, it’s a good place to confuse people in the interval with your misinterpretation of the story, so long as you give your opinion loudly and with enormous authority. “The often ignored fact that Madame Butterfly is clearly a screaming lesbian makes her predicament all the more fascinating.�
I’ve not included pantomime on the list because I’ve been reading a few Cinderella scripts lately to try and get a handle on writing one myself and have to say I’m dazzled by the continuous spew of puns, jokes, asides and innuendo. It’s remarkable. But still not something I’d go and watch… jury out on them for the time being.
“Oh no it’s not!�
“Shut your mouth.�
“Oh no I… OW!�
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