Sunday 14th May 2006

A day spent feeling sorry for myself, sipping water. I’ve come to realise I can only do four day benders now. My associates and friends at Modern Drunkard magazine will scoff at that as being pathetically lightweight but four days it is. The fifth brings pain and immobility. I suppose it’s a bit like an emergency valve that kicks in to stop yourself doing damage, it’s just your body saying “Oi. Enough for now. Have a sit down. Have you thought of tea?�

It’s true I did a nine day bender in Denver last November but that damn near killed me. The flight home was the worst few hours of my blessed life, I never EVER want to have to repeat that. I tell you, I never shall. This upcoming trip to the Modern Drunkard convention in Vegas next month will contain some drinking, of that have no fear, but the New York leg after Vegas is going to more relaxing. Maybe even see some sights? I tend to go to cities and just visit the bars, which is great because that’s where you find the soul of any place, but it also means I miss out on interesting buildings and cultural experiences that don’t involve playing some Mexican at pool for $100. New York will be civilised.

Will it Hell. Ah, we’ll see. The point is I can’t do a nine day job again. There’s be some gentle warm up drinking in LA, then open the throttle fully for Vegas, then ease it back off in New York, that’s the plan.

I can’t have days feeling like I did today. I’m not looking for any sympathy obviously, I like to think I never do, but we only have a limited time on this planet and I’d like to enjoy it and not look back on a fair percentage of this gift being spent holding my sides with my head under a cushion praying for sweet, sweet death. It’s only right to lay off the pace now and again if it means a general improvement in living standards. Or am I just getting past my prime?

I don’t really pay much heed to birthdays but seeing as it was mine in the week, things have been brought into sharper focus. It might not always seem like it from what you read here, but I am very ambitious. Actually, I fiercely ambitious. And I do see 30 as a landmark I want to reach without looking completely pathetic. I’ve got a lot going for me professionally but I always seem to be one step away from actually pressing the ignition button and blasting off, if you’ll excuse the pathetic analogy. One thing that has messed me up in the past is giving up at the slightest setback. I’ve been resilient with stand-up because it earns me a living and frankly, I don’t want another job. But I’ll never be the best in the World at stand-up, I’ve said that many times. Not even in twenty years will I be approaching the standard of someone like John Bishop. I can earn a good living out of it, I can probably easily settle into a £50k a year routine, playing the big clubs. But I want more than that. Not just in terms of money… You know what I mean.

I believe I’m a better writer than I am stand-up, and I know you’ll be thinking “Sheesh, I read this Blog now and again and that must make you a pretty crappy stand-up� but I don’t really consider this writing, it’s sketching. I do think I can earn a good living through writing.

But the feedback from America on The Power Of 10 is not exactly positive at the moment. I got an e-mail from Byrd that said the book had some really good moments, but was far too long and needs to be completely reassessed. It knocked me a bit, and in previous years I would probably have binned the whole project, but not now. I’m so absolutely determined that it’s a good idea, as is he I think, that I’m going to work on it solidly until it’s right. It will probably just all slip into place after I look at it with refreshed eyes.

I’ve had the idea of sending out copies to friends so I can get lots of feedback. Byrd’s opinion is king, because he’s a great editor and I’m going to listen to him and him alone on the bigger picture, but I’d also like lots of opinions on just small stuff like what jokes people like in it and that sort of thing. To that end, if anyone would like a copy on disc, send me your postal address and I’ll mail one out. It’s too big to e-mail generally (about 10Mb) and I don’t want it circulated about. I know if you got a disc copy you could clearly still circulate it but for argument’s sake, I think it’s the way I’d prefer to do it. Anyway my e-mail’s slow and it would take forever. So if you want a very rough draft of my book then let me know and I’ll sort it out. Do this through the comments option below, I won’t publish your address. But the deal is you do have to read it all even if you think it’s rubbish after three pages and you do have to fill out a form or something that I’ll devise and send that back.

Byrd’s probably reading this in New York going ‘NOOOOOO! Never send out… where’s his damn number?’ If he does that I’ll not send any out. Byrd is my guru.

Then there’s other projects like Callcutta.

“Oh yeah, whatever happened to that, Stan?�

Well it’s the same old story, really. A couple of people in TV read it (a very early draft, again) and there were obviously some problems with it and because they didn’t say “Amazing, we’ll commission three series right now� I sort of forgot about it a bit and that’s bonkers. I’m going to rewrite Callcutta, too.

Get a bit of backbone, boy.

Back to the 30 thing. I really want one project done and dusted by the time I’m 30. Is that too much to ask? I want to reach that milestone and know I’ve made a mark. I know it’s still young, but if you knew what I want to have done by the time I’m 40….!

And obviously I want my family to be proud, etc. That’s probably about 20% of my motivation, but it’s still sizable. The other 80% is a purely selfish longing for cash, cars, travel, cuties, fine wines and hotels, but that’s just as valid. Something needs to happen in the next 361 days, and I’m the only person that can influence that. Buckle up, Buttercup.

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