I was travelling back to Liverpool on the train when I had one of those mad conversations that make you think perhaps it’s you that’s wrong before you realise all that’s happened is your opponent is so completely wrong it’s planted some doubt in your head.
I had chosen to pay £15 to upgrade to first class, it’s one of those guilty pleasures I always permit myself. You can only do it at weekends and when you’ve got a long, diverted journey ahead of you, and standard class is a zoo, it’s almost essential. The difference is astonishing, today I got a carriage all to myself.
You pay the extra money to the ticket inspector and today I was the first passenger he came to. Sorry, ‘customer’, as we are now referred to. I offered him a twenty pound note but he didn’t even have five pounds worth of change and so said he’d have to go and sell some other tickets and come back to me. I don’t know how he expected to sell tickets without having five pounds in change on him but that’s by the by. He’s obviously used to be a Liverpool taxi driver.
I was sat enjoying my quiet and spacious journey when the person in charge of the on board shop came on the tannoy and said he was now open for business, and that anyone with a first class ticket could have free teas, coffees, water or biscuits. This is another perk of paying £15 to upgrade, you can make that back by drinking loads of tea and water whilst gorging yourself on all the biscuits you can fit into your fat mouth. So I got up to walk down to the shop when it occurred to me that I’d not paid to be a first class passenger as yet, because of the change situation, and so I didn’t have a 1st class ticket to show to the man in the shop in return for all my lovely free tea.
The ticket inspector was now quite a way up the train and had checked loads of tickets, probably selling a few in the process, and so I figured he should be fine for chance now. This is how the conversation went.
“Hi, I was back down the train there. I wonder if I could get my upgrade from you now?�
“No. Everyone’s been handing me tenners and twenties. I’ve not got any change.�
“Right. Only I wanted to go to the shop and get some tea and water, but I don’t have a first class ticket.�
“Hmmm. Well it might be cheaper to get them if you don’t have a ticket.�
A pause.
“What… cheaper than free?�
“Well it’s just that you can only get free tea, water and biscuits. The rest you have to pay for.�
“Yes. But it’s tea and water that I want.�
“Right. Well I still think it might be better if you pay.�
“Why?�
“Because some of it isn’t free.�
“But I want the tea and the water, which is free. Why should I have to pay for that?�
“It’s not all free.�
“But the tea and water are! Good Lord!�
The other passengers were in agreement with me on this, even though I was obviously a posh first class passenger who they would normally despise and wish the worst for. I was standing up for common sense.
“Well, there is tea and water there, but you have to pay for it.�
“But I wouldn’t if I had a first class ticket. But I don’t because you’ve not got any change.�
“People have been giving me tens and twenties.�
“So I….right. Fine.�
I walked up to the shop shaking my head and explained to the nice bloke in the shop that I was in first class, and I would be buying an upgrade, but the ticket man hadn’t got any change. I went away with two cups of tea and three bottles of water. All for nothing. I had won.
I went back to my seat and enjoyed my free drinks and then fell asleep, waking up feeling refreshed and realising the ticket man hadn’t been to upgrade my ticket so I’d travelled all the way from London to Liverpool in first class for free, and with a few drinks thrown into the bargain. I was probably about £7 up on the deal.
The moral of this tale is to always be a flash idiot who travels first class and challenges authority figures who try and deny you free tea. This is surely the true Easter Story.
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