Post! Glorious post! And not just any old post today, I’ll mark you, it was a package! In a brown box, very much like Postman Pat used to deliver. Although mine sadly lacked a bit of rough twine or string finished in a bow on top, as every Postman Pat parcel had without exception.
It was from a company that have a website selling stuff to deaf people. And by that, I mean products specifically for use by the hard of hearing, I don’t mean products that sound really rubbish unless you’re a deaf person who couldn’t quite make out the details. Like ‘Solid, bold, candlesticks’ which are just quite sturdy and inexpensive candlesticks but the deaf person thought were ‘solid gold candlesticks’ and spent £3,000 on. No, it’s not that. It’s useful products for the deaf.
I am not deaf, but none the less have bought a watch from them. It’s not even a very attractive watch, but it’s the only watch in the land that has a countdown facility on it which makes the watch vibrate when it reaches zero. Most watches with countdown facilities will simply bleep when it reaches zero, but of course this is no good for a deaf person, they need it to vibrate. And so do I. Because I am a stand-up comedian.
The more thoughtful of you will see why this is useful automatically but for those not as blessed I shall explain. You normally have to perform to a strict time limit when doing stand-up in clubs, and to get this right you need a way of keeping time, but it’s distracting for both you and the audience if you keep checking your watch. So you need a discreet signal. Some clubs have a light at the back of the room which comes on a couple of minutes before your allotted time is up so that you know to wrap things up, but not many establishments have gone to this elaborate expense and so it’s down to the comic to keep track. This watch will do that for me. If required to do half an hour, I’ll set my timer to count down from 28 minutes or so and leave the stage exactly on 30, inspiring awe and wonder in the promoter at how I’ve managed to somehow judge it without looking at my watch.
I’m no pioneer here, however. This model of watch (which is a very reasonable £30) is now worn by lots of comics. It was a comic that told me about the deaf website to buy it from. So at least a small percentage of their custom is not through deaf people at all, but from filthy stand-up comedians, who ironically would happily make fun of deaf people on stage if they could think of a good routine about it. I think that now I have my watch I should alert the company to this danger and make sure there is some sort of ‘deaf test’ for future prospective purchasers of the VibraLite 3 wristwatch. It’s only fair. You’ll have to pass a special test to ensure you are genuinely deaf and not a comedian. And just saying ‘pardon?’ to all the questions won’t count. It will have to be some sort of written or visual exam.
Had a great day of writing on the book. A nice long chapter done. It’s about time I got back to some serious work on it and this was all inspired by speaking to a literary agent I know in New York. A few days ago I sent him the pitch and he seems to genuinely love the idea of a fake self-help book that’s based on a theory that won’t work. He seems to think there’s a really big future for it and has agreed to work on the project as soon as I get the finished manuscript to him. So I have a literary agent in New York! That’s a step closer to the dream of sitting in Fiji with a nice cocktail in hand and seven wives at feet surely?
So there is absolutely no excuse now. I’m about half way through but have been lazy with it recently and so now must power through to the end. I’m not allowing myself a pint or a cocktail of an evening now unless I’ve done over 4,000 words. That’s my new law. I might ask my new, cool, New York agent (sorry, but I can’t stop indulging in this new fact) to set me a deadline and refuse the book if I break it. That would be good. I’m one of those self-employed people who still needs a sort of boss because I’m such a bad one. If you’re reading this, Byrd, then e-mail me a strict no-excuses deadline of a day in mid-April. And tell me I’ll never work with you or anyone else if I break it. Please.
That’s the drawback of being your own boss, if you happen to be complete arse at being someone’s boss you’re never going to do yourself any favours. That’s why I should never have my own company.
“Stan, I’ve done that thing you asked me to do. Sort of. I can finish it off tomorrow. So I thought we should go for a few martinis this afternoon?�
“Um. Well. I think that really needs to be finished first because, you know, it is a week late, and you did say I’d have it yesterday at the latest.�
“Yeah…. But shall we just go for martinis anyway?�
“Okay, yeah. Let’s. That can wait can’t it?�
“Oh absolutely, absolutely.�
“Good. Well. Yes, good work, Paul. Let’s go then.�
“Your round.�
“Right you are.�
“Can I have a pay rise too?�
“Ummm. I don’t really have enough money to…�
“Can I though?�
“Okay.�
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