Writing a book has all sorts of unforeseen advantages, aside from the more obvious ones like being able to continually bore people by saying you’re writing one. One of them is that you get so much done around the house whilst making up excuses not to sit down and get on with it. I’ve tidied every single room, I’ve sorted out my sock drawer, I’ve cleaned the kitchen so often you could manufacture microchips in there now. (The sort that go in a computer and must be made in an entirely dust free environment, not the poor quality chips you make in a microwave and must be made in a filthy or drunken environment).
If you’ve got a load of things that need doing and have been put off for ages, simply try writing a book. The fear and apprehension that comes with needing to type the first sentence of a new chapter will inspire you to do loads of other constructive things with your time. If I didn’t live in a fifth floor rented flat I’d probably have built a conservatory or something by now. Out of matchsticks. Anything to avoid sitting down at the computer and getting on with it.
Which is odd because I do really enjoy the process when I get going. It makes me laugh out loud, which is a positive sign when writing a supposedly funny book, and the feeling of satisfaction when completing a chapter is immense and genuinely exciting. So why the continued delays? Especially as I now have my cool New York literary agent friend champing at the bit to have a look at it?
I wonder if there’s some sort of special motivational course you can go on to achieve extra focus and drive? It’s what I need. Actually, I don’t need focus and drive, I have that, and I am getting a chapter a day done which is good going, but I do need to attend a course that specifically teaches me not to dilly dally about the place correcting all the cutlery in the drawer before I can think about getting started. I don’t care less about the cutlery, I don’t have OCD or anything, just that it’s a good distraction.
The internet is the ultimate distraction of all. And of course it’s in exactly the same place as my computer which I use for writing the book. It’s the final distraction when everything else had been autisticly straightened or cleaned. The internet is distracting by it’s very nature. It’s a thing that contains EVERYTHING. And it’s remarkably easy to get distracted by EVERYTHING. I think obsessive comic Dave Gorman did a routine on that. It’s true. How can you not be distracted by something that holds the answers to everything. And features naked women. It’s almost as if the internet has been invented just to distract us from doing something worthwhile.
If anyone else suffers from this mad condition and has found a good way to cure it, please get in touch.
I must say though that the whole getting up early for work thing is making me feel a great deal fitter and switched on. I wake up quite excited at what I’m going to get done which is amazing, before all the delaying tactics begin. And I’ve lost about half a stone. Enough for people to comment on. My chin’s receding too. It’s all positive.
So a new slim-line physique (in my mind’s eye) and an immaculate flat – but still several daunting days of writing before the book’s complete. I don’t dare stop for fear of getting out of the groove again. I don’t even want to look at other projects like the 2nd draft of Callcutta yet because I fear it will be harder to get back to the book. I’m ridiculously one tracked minded. Aren’t all males supposed to be? I am the most male person alive in that case. More so than Geoff Capes or Darth Vader.
ESPECIALLY more than Geoff Capes, because he keeps budgies like a girl.
Actually girls are never really into that sort of thing – pigeon fancying and so forth – which is odd. It’s always men.
Hobbies in generals tend to be more of a man thing would it be fair to say? Because knitting could be considered a hobby, but not really as well defined a hobby as model railways, which no girl in the world will ever be into. Look at all the typical hobbies;
Stamp collecting. Model building. Bicycles. Skateboarding. Astrology. Science fiction stuff and all that. Collecting cards. Stalking people. All very male.
Come on girls, get some hobbies. They’re great.
My hobby is… Hmmm. I don’t really have one. That has honestly only just occurred to me. I don’t have a proper hobby. Wow.
That can’t do. I’m going to get a hobby. Maybe making models. I’d like to make a model boat and sail it on a pond in the park. Something like that. And just think of how quickly I’d build it if I also had a book to finish!
Maybe kites… This has got me thinking now. What is a man without a hobby? A hollow shell, that’s what. A hollow shell that isn’t even interested in collecting lots of shells, seeing which one the most hollow and then putting it at the front of his special display cabinet. If you have any suggestions for my new hobby please let me know.
Oh! Is this Blog a hobby?
No. It’s related to work in a way because it gets me writing of a day. I NEED A DAMNED HOBBY.
NOW.
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