Wade, my new friend, rung and asked if I wanted to watch the Carling Cup Final. Actually, why should I call it by the sponsor’s title? I could accurately just call it the League Cup Final. What has Carling ever done for me? I imagine, if anything, their weak and yucky lager got me into all sorts of teenage scrapes, I should hardly give them free exposure to a further six people here.
But then that’s what they pay for, isn’t it? They pay to sponsor the event so people say “We’re in 4th round of the Carling Cup.� And then that person might subliminally think ‘I might go and drink a pint of Carling lager now. Even though it’s repellent and full of dangerous chemicals.’ They pay for the countless times their product will be mentioned in the media as a result, and so – in some minute way – they’re paying so that people like me mention their product in their Blogs. Well they’ve failed because I’m not going to mention them by name ever again. See how they like that. See how that fits them for size.
I met Wade to watch the LEAGUE Cup Final, (Ha! I bet they’re already feeling the pinch of my rebellion), but it was too one-sided to be entertaining. Manchester United beating Wigan 4-0. So they pay all that money in sponsorship and it was a rubbish game, the brewing idiots.
I wonder though, in all seriousness, how much they can profit by sponsoring a big event? How much any large company can? When you see a Vodaphone sign on a Formula One car or on Wayne Rooney’s chest does it make you want to switch your phone contract over? Most people have mobile phones and I can’t see them choosing a new network because they support Manchester United or admire Michael Schumacher. Considering the momentous sponsorship fees these companies pay out, can it really be worth it?
I suppose it’s not directly related, they don’t expect to literally attract new customers watching a race or watching a match, it just means that their profile is higher and maybe that is profitable in the long term. It’s a funny business, advertising, and I’d be interested in getting into it if I wasn’t naturally drawn to standing on a stage talking nonsense for a living. I am in advertising if you think about it. Go on. Think about it. I’m selling the notion that an idea is funny. It might not immediately seem funny. It might not even be funny. But I have to make it appear funny.
There is absolutely no difference between me selling the idea that my surname is Gaelic for ‘fat round face’ than there is convincing people that Arial Automatic is the best powder to put in your machine, when clearly neither are true. And yet I’ve never met a comedian who’s been consulted by an advertising company. Comedians front campaigns of course, but you’d think companies could do worse than to ask comedian’s opinions on a possible new campaign. Despite comedians having no experience of the yuppy and high powered world of corporate advertising, I think they’d be good. Those that could be bothered getting out of bed to attend the meetings. I wonder what would happen if I wrote a letter to Saatchi And Saatchi saying I would be available to assist on any forthcoming projects they had in the pipeline if they wanted to call me? I’m going to write them a letter. Seriously, I am. It’s only going to cost me 28p isn’t it? I’ll let you know how my new career’s going when I receive their reply. Seriously, I’m going to do that.
It’s part of a new directive I’ve given myself which is basically; Anything’s worth a try. Don’t take that literally, obviously. It’s not worth going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. It’s not worth seeing if I can top the recent cash heist down at the local Post Office. It’s not worth seeing if it’s true that leopards really don’t like having water sprayed in their growling faces. Or that it’s a myth Millwall fans don’t have a sense of humour if you doubt their sexuality. Or whether it’s possible to live on nothing but digestive biscuits.
I mean, anything’s worth a try that’s within the bounds of sense and reason. Writing to Saatchi and Saatchi for an off-the-cuff job is on the outer limits of reason, I’ll grant you, but it’s not going to take much effort find out in this case, and it will be interesting to see what they say. They may admire the cheek.
Wade, Aria and I walked to a pub in Farringdon after the match to have a roast dinner. Make a note of this place; it’s excellent. It’s on Great Sutton Street and is called The Slaughtered Lamb. It never used to open on a Sunday but a little while back Wade and his friends got into the routine of cooking Sunday roasts for each other, and soon they had got this down to such a fine art that they had lots of people asking if they could come and join them at the table too? After a while, the operation was so big that they asked a friend who owned The Slaughtered Lamb if they could transfer their lunch to there and have it open to the public. Now they do a roaring trade. A rare example of a flourishing business starting by people just having a good time and other people wanting a bit of the action.
They serve until late, it’s not just lunchtimes, so if you live in London why not pop down one Sunday? They pile the plates high and it’s delicious.
A wasn’t feeling herself all day and so abstained. I went home earlyish from the meal and we watched one of those list shows that are pointless but entertaining. This one was called The 100 Funniest Moments. We found ourselves laughing uncontrollably at a clip of Michael Barrymore talking to a couple of senile old duffers who made ‘useful’ stuff out of rubbish. It was just very, very funny. The old dear had made something out of what looked like a cardboard cup-cake holder with some green paint on it attached to a small length of string. “Well,� she said “Look at this. Now, how many times have you felt a draft coming through the keyhole? This will sort that out.�
People are amazing. We’re a bizarre lot. There’s undoubtedly life out there in the cosmos but do you think there’s another civilisation silly enough to appear to TV and show off an invention of that calibre? I sort of hope not, actually. I’d like to think, in that sense, we are very much alone.
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