Monday 20th February 2006

I looked on the BBC’s website today (which incidentally is incredible and gargantuan if you’ve never explored it, I use it for all online news and sport – it’s ‘magazine’ section is also great on a daily basis) and discovered to my horror and bemusement that the bald, unimportant actor Ben Kingsley has been insisting that everyone address him as ‘Sir’ lately. Sir Ben. And he’s very, very fussy about it. True, he is knighted, but most people surely don’t insist on going by Sir Alan or Sir Clive or, indeed, Sir Ben do they? They probably enjoy the title but aren’t going to get stroppy if someone forgets.

But Ben Kingsley does. This reminded me that I once read an interview he did for either the Evening Standard or Time Out a few years back and the interviewer basically had to bring a halt to proceedings because the whole thing was impossible due to Kingsley’s astronomical ego. This poor journalist, who’d interviewed his fair share of stars and touchy showbiz types, simply couldn’t stand it any more and the stuff he was coming out with was virtually unprintably vain and preposterous. I’ve hated Ben Kingsley from then on. I know I wasn’t THERE at the interview but I got a good idea of what was going on.

So now this. It has to be ‘Sir Ben’, not Mr Kingsley, certainly not ‘Benjamin’ and absolutely definitely ‘Baldy’. You might say that, technically, he has a point but in reality he doesn’t because a knighthood doesn’t mean you’re actually a Knight anymore. It’s a symbolic gesture from the silly and poorly advised Queen. If you were about in medieval times and a Knight of the Realm game snorting up on his enourmous horse with his blood stained sword by his side then of course you’d call him Sir. “Hello, Sir Arthur. You alright? I respect you.�

But an actor? I mean you’d accept it if Sir Michael Caine suddenly said “Right. I want to be Sir Michael from now on. But close friends can call me Sir Micky.� That would be alright because he is a sort of heroic figure. But Ben blinking Kingsley? ONE good film. ONE.

I’d say to Ben Kingsley, to Benny, (and I will if I ever meet the short-arse pretender) that if really wants to be recognised as a knight, then he’s got to act like one. Do a bit of jousting. Rescue a Princess from a tower. Slay a dragon.

That was the purpose of Knights. That was their trade, being heroic. Looking after King and country. How’s Ben Kingsley going to do that? “Oh no, here comes a big dragon that’s going to burn down the castle and kill all the villagers, do something Sir Ben!�

“Right-O. Um. This reminds me of the time I was playing Richard II in Stratford with Dicky Attenborough and one of the stupid members of the audience wouldn’t stop smoking all the way through the first act and of course I, being something of a wag, said,�

“Ahhhhhh! Sir Ben! Help! The dragon’s eating all the people up! This is the end of the world!�

“Well yes, and but do let me finish first because this really is very amusing.�

I hate Ben Kingsley and his pretend-Knight ways.

So today in the news David Puttnam the film producer, who incidentally is a LORD, which beats ‘Sir’ hands down, had a go at him saying he was being ridiculous and also pointing out that in the film industry people just know him as David Puttnam or David. And he, Ben, is a bloody Lord. Kingsley’s got ‘Sir Ben Kingsley’ on the posters to his new film too, apparently. And in the credits. God save us.

We should start a ‘Only call Ben Kingsley ‘Ben’’ petition. Perhaps then at least one more person a day might annoy him. Or even better, call him Benny on purpose.

Why do we still have Knights and all that? I know it’s to recognise your achievements in whatever field you’re in but… Look at Brucie. Look at old Bruce Forsyth. There was a mini-outrage in the Sunday papers recently that he didn’t get knighted, but only got a C.B.E. Do you think in the olden days someone like Brucie would have been made a Knight? He wouldn’t even have made court jester.

Of all the rubbish knights…. It’s got to be Brucie. Princess up a tower, screaming for help because the Black Knight has imprisoned her. “Oh thank GOODNESS! It’s you Sir Brucie!�

“Alright my love? N-nnn-eeeee---rrrrrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrr!�

“Come and save me, Sir Brucie�

“How many steps up are there all the way up there then?�

“I don’t know, please hurry.�

“More than thirty? Higher than a thirty? Higher than a thirty? Hang on… (puff pant puff pant puff pant) …. Oh dear it’s Twenty eight. Never mind my love thanks for playing. Give her a big hand ladies and gentleman, that’s lovely, right.�

“Wait! Don’t go! The Black Knight has tied me up with these two chains, please release them.�

“Oh dear, well you don’t get anything for a pair, not in this game!�

The second interesting thing that happened today was, after finishing the early draft of the Callcutta script in record time, I decided to pour myself a cheeky little vodka and tonic at about nine O’clock to relax and celebrate. I got the vodka out of the freezer and saw to my disbelief that it had frozen solid.

Now, vodka doesn’t freeze. You’d need a special, NASA-built freezer.

I checked on the interweb and indeed the freezing temperature for a 40% vodka is about minus 35 to 45 degrees Celsius, depending on various opinions. I have the coldest freezer in town! Vodka basically contains Ethanol and to freeze that you’re looking at lower than minus 100. To freeze any vodka, especially a nice bottle of Smirnoff Blue that I have, takes a very, very, very low temperature. My freezer looks perfectly normal. It’s a little one under the kitchen surface. But it holds dark powers….

And do I expect to be Knighted for that and have everyone call me Sir Stanley? No I do not. So why should little baldy Benny when all he does is play pretend in front of a camera? Like an idiot. A bald idiot. It’s short-man syndrome, that’s what it is. Worst case of it I’ve ever seen.

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