I sat about writing my Christmas Cards today. I’ve seen some environmentalists saying that in this digital age we should send electronic cards via e-mail instead to try and conserve the forests that have to make way for the billions of cards sent to people we don’t even really like each year. I suppose they do have a point. If you also take into account the hundreds of square miles of wrapping paper used each year then it must add up to quite a few trees, and the irony of that is trees are made my God aren’t they? So in celebrating the birth of his son, we’re destroying all his lovely work.
I bet this confuses God. If I was him (and despite what some people say, I most certainly am not) then I would be pleased that everyone remembers the birth of my son, the baby Jesus, but quite disappointed that this celebration goes hand in hand with the mindless destruction of forests that I’d spent ages making. It’s very similar to someone coming to your birthday party but giving you a smack in the mouth as a present.
This is probably why God invented computers and invented Bill Gates so that we wouldn’t have to go to the ridiculous lengths of cutting down the forests, turning them into card and paper, and then throwing them in the bin. It’s probably the wastage that angers God.
He probably doesn’t mind the idea of Christmas trees so much. They too are wasted because nearly all of them are not replanted but thrown onto the tip at the end of the twelve days of Christmas, but at least they are dressed up to look nice for a bit. At least the Christmas tree draws attention to God’s work as an excellent maker of trees, because people will always stop to look at a Christmas tree and comment upon it, saying “What a lovely tree�.
God’s probably a bit miffed that we have to decorate the tree in order to make it pleasant to look at, though. It probably slightly irritates him that the tree in it’s natural form, as he intended it, isn’t quite good enough for us, and indeed we feel – even as mere mortals – that we can improve upon it by adding our own touches. God’s thinking ‘Fine. I, the all powerful creator of all life, make the perfect tree and YOU, just little mortals, think you can make it better with a bit of ruddy tinsel?’
But God’s not thought that through because he invented tinsel too, because he invented everything, and so he’s shot himself in his godly foot there.
Personally, I don’t have any decorations up in my flat. This isn’t because I have a bit of a grouchy attitude towards Christmas, far from it, it’s just that I wouldn’t want to damage the environment by purchasing materials that I would ultimately end up throwing away. That and I can’t be arsed. But mainly the environment bit. Also, there would be a certain hypocrisy in decorating the flat in order to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus and then writing a smug and blasphemous Blog entry about the whole event as I just have done. There’s nothing that angers God more than hypocrisy. And blasphemy, obviously, but he’s more used to that.
If there is a God, I wonder if he minds that lots of people feel it’s acceptable to sort of make fun of him and the baby Jesus, even in a light hearted way? I wonder if an entry like this, which I’d class as gentle ribbing, actually counts as a sin?
If so, I would have quite a long argument with St Peter over that if he decided I shouldn’t be allowed in Heaven and should in fact go to Hell. I’d say “But I’m ultimately a good person, I just made some light hearted jokes about God. If he doesn’t like that, I think that’s his problem.� And St Peter would say “Making fun of God and the baby Jesus in any form is a sin and therefore you should go to Hell.� And I’d say “I don’t think YOU believe that, so you Peter?� And he’d say “It’s not up to me, it’s up to God.� And I’d say “You’re such a suck-up, Peter. Why do you do everything he says? When does he do you any favours? Look at you, Man! He makes you stand on the gate all day, every day, whilst the other saints are in there in the warm having a right laugh.� And he’d say “You’re right! I’ve got feelings too!� And I’d say “You go, girl!� And he’s say “In you go, have a good time.� And I’d say “Why not come in with me? You don’t have to stand here all the time. First round’s on me.� And he’d say “Yeah! Let’s do it! Oh! Hang on though. That means anyone could sneak in here.� And I’d say “So what? You need some characters to liven the place up a bit.� And he’d say “Damn straight. Right, what are we drinking?�
Full proof.
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