Today marked the second initially confusing phone call in two days. When I answered, there was silence for a few seconds before I said ‘Hello’ about three times.
Then, from inside what sounded like a cave, a very muffled voice said something I couldn’t understand. I asked him to repeat, and – after a long pause – he said something that I made out to be my name. ‘Yes…’ I said, deciding not to hang up yet with the thinking that if this was a prank or obscene phone call, it’s unlikely they’d be formal enough to ask me to confirm my name first.
There was again some noise down the line, like someone re-arranging their coat. I temporarily thought perhaps it was someone in peril trapped up a mountainside or something but, again, they were unlikely to address me as Mr McHale when they rang, or indeed phone me at all.
This time I just waited. Then the voice came back, slightly clearer this time. ‘Can I speak to Mr McHale?’ it said. There wasn’t a bad line or poor reception, the problem was this barely distinguishable, muffled and mumbling voice.
‘Yes. Who’s this?’
Another pause. But this time a reply; ‘I’m calling from O2.’ This was hard to make out but I’m positive it’s what he said.
‘Okay.’ Was all I could think of to say.
Another long pause, this was ridiculous. ‘I’m calling to….’
‘Yes….’
‘Welcome you. To the. Network.’
Then a long pause. I decided I’d had enough now and hung up. I’d established that it was a call from the phone company, O2, to welcome me to the network which made sense as I’d just taken out a new contract with them last week.
But that didn’t make the phone call any less bizarre, or indeed, less rude. Still, not one to waste too much time bothering with idiot calls like that, I forgot about it and got on with some work.
An hour or so later, the phone rang again. This time, it was a cheery – and perfectly pronounced – Scottish lady on the other end of the line.
‘Oh hello, can I speak to Mr McHale please.’
‘Speaking.’
‘Hi there. My name’s Caroline and I’m calling from O2.’
‘Oh, hi. Um, I think I’ve already had a call from you today.’
‘Really! Oh! Sorry about that. There’s no record of a call being made.’
‘Right, well it wasn’t really a call. I answered the phone and someone said they were from O2 but they were very hard to understand and it was a bit confusing so I hung up.’
‘Oh…. Right.’ The penny seemed to have dropped with Caroline. ‘That was probably Cameron. He’s not used to the phones yet.’
I’m not making this up. ‘Cameron, huh? He’s new is he?’
‘Yes, sorry about that. He’s still in training.’
In training for what? Speech? I didn’t say any more to Caroline about it as we conducted a hugely boring conversation about phone tariffs and the cost of text messages. But I couldn’t stop ruminating about several Cameron issues.
1. Why have they let Cameron near the phones? This is the Customer Service Department. Cameron can, as yet, be of very little service to anyone, what with him being unable to communicate with other humans on any level.
2. What or whom convinced Cameron that a career in a call centre might be suited to him? Was it a cruel joke played on him by a mocking relative? Did his Dad, over the dinner table, say ‘What about finding yourself a wee job, Son? Anything you’d fancy doing?…. What was that? No, once more… A tractor driver? No, no, no, Son. You don’t want to be a tractor driver, they’d be no-one to talk to all day! What that? Say again? That’s what you want? Nonsense! You want to talk to as many people in a given hour as humanly possible. I’ll ring my mate Marcus at O2, they’re recruiting apparently.’
3. What sort of training has Cameron received at the O2 call centre and at what point did they consider him adequately skilled to pass the course?
I like to imagine Cameron in training.
‘Okay, you must be Cameron! Big lad aren’t you? Right, my name’s Jake and I’m going training you on the phones today, okay? Okay! Right, first things first Cameron, let’s have a little practice with a pretend call okay so there’s no pressure and it doesn’t matter if me make a few little mistakes and mess it up a bit, okay! Right! Good! So, I’ll be on this phone here, and I’ll pretend to be a customer, and you call me on that phone and tell me your name and tell me where you’re calling from, Okay? Right. Good! Well you dial 2310 and that’ll make my phone ring here if you want to give that a go? No? Pick up the phone, that’s it, that’s a good lad, and dial 2310… Okay, let me do that for you…. There we go… Now my phone’s ringing! So! I’ll pick it up and be a customer and you tell me your name and where you’re calling from……. Hello?…….Right, you say Hello now Cameron.’
‘Hello.’
‘Right. Say “hello� and then say your name and where you’re calling from.’
‘Hello. My name is Cameron.’
‘Okay, there’s no need to wave, Cameron. It’s very nice but remember that when you’re on the phones for real they won’t be able to see you. So let’s try that again shall we?…. “Hello?�’
‘Hello. My name is Cameron.’
‘And say where you’re calling from.’
‘I am calling from Dumfries.’
‘Yes, yes, we know you’re calling from Dumfries, Cameron, love. But that’s not what to say is it? No. Right, you have to say you’re calling from O2. So, it’s hello, name, and calling from O2. Let’s try that again….. “Hello?�’
‘Hello. My name is Cameron. I like U2.’
‘No, Cameron my dear! No! It’s “I’m calling from O2�. Tell you what, how are you at bins?’
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