For the past two years, I’ve been on the end of a series of malicious pranks and practical jokes. What started as a bit of harmless fun gradually got out of hand, until it got to a point where I was being persecuted on a weekly basis.
Thankfully, I never suffered from bullying at school. There were some kids that did, but only the stupid younger, smaller, weaker ones who’d cry if you so much as smacked them around the head with a hardback folder or put a drawing pin through their ear lobe. It’s no wonder they ended up getting bullied if they couldn’t even put up me doing that.
No, the bullies left me alone until my twenties, when one gang of strangers started picking on me, ruining my work, and making me feel stupid. That gang of strangers were called British Telecom.
It all started when I wanted to connect my computer to the internet. They laughed at my nerdy wishes but said they’d do it for me if I paid them twenty five pounds dinner money a month, which I coughed up because I was scared. But that’s only when the trouble started, they didn’t just want my money, they wanted blood. And so soon, the torture began… My e-mail would be torn up just before it was supposed to be handed in, the connection to the World Wide Web would be intermittently switched on and off… It was their way of holding my textbooks just out of reach whilst I jumped and flailed at them.
One day the BT Gang pushed me into the girl’s toilets and ran away laughing. The following day they insisted I upgrade to BT Broadband – and that if I didn’t they’d tell everyone I wore a ladies bra.
But life with Broadband was no easier. The problems continued, and the BT Gang said that if I went to other bullies instead, they’d just continue to take my money as normal so it would end up costing me more.
Recently however I’ve learnt that the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Today, I decided to brave it and tell the bullies that I wasn’t happy with the way they were treating me. I rung one of the bullies on his special 50 pence per minute bully-line. Thankfully, he was out in India so I felt a little more reassured he wouldn’t just come straight over to my house and give me a Chinese burn.
I explained that it’s now been three months since my e-mail worked properly. He explained that it worked perfectly. I then explained that seeing as he didn’t live in my house, how could he know this? He explained that he knew this because he had a computer that told him my e-mail was working properly. Then he said I had something on my shoe but when I looked down he flicked my chin up.
I told him I’d had enough of being messed around by him and that I was leaving to go another school. He said he couldn’t care less, and that he’d still deduct money from me using the direct debit scheme he’d devised. Pah! The rotter was right…. I told him that I’d still use his bullying services for my connection to the internet, because he’s generally left me alone on that front recently, but that I was going to a nice, decent person I’d heard about for my e-mail.
And with that parting shot, I put the phone down and ran all the way home.
The lovely, decent non-bullying person I’d heard about lived all the way over the other side of town in a respectable area called Apple Computers. They’re a lovely family, The Macs, and welcomed me in. Over a steaming cup of cocoa I explained how the BT Gang had been bullying me and even started to cry a bit. They said it was alright now, and gave me a lovely new e-mail address which works perfectly.
Have I pushed the bulling analogy too far now? Is it starting to get irritating? Well, I might continue doing it until you cry. Ha! You’re crying! You’re a spaz!
The only problem with my new e-mail address is that although it’s lovely, simple and easy to remember, it ends with @mac.com. This means people will know I love Apple Computers so much that I’m really just a big nerd who only likes trains and megabytes and Terry Pratchet’s stupid fantasy books.
I do like trains, and I do enjoy doing stuff on computers. I don’t enjoy reading fantasy novels, and indeed never have done, that’s how sure I am that I don’t enjoy it.
But is having an @mac.com a bit like having an @startrek.com e-mail address? No – of course it isn’t, an @mac.com e-mail address is nice and smooth looking and simple. Just like their lovely computers, which I don’t have an unhealthy interest in at all.
Anyway, it’s one in the eye for the evil BT Gang who are probably ruing the day they decided to mess with Stanley J McHale. Although they are still taking my money so probably don’t care either way. I’ll put it down as a moral victory, they all count.
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