Saturday 24th September 2005

Today something wasted far more of my time than was sensible.

I’m wary of going into details as it seems all I’ve done over the past few Pathetic Lot entries is hark on about computers, specifically Apple computers, and how I don’t have an unhealthy interest in them at all. I don’t.

This naturally makes all six of you think that I do have an unhealthy interest in them, otherwise why would I be protesting so strongly that I don’t? You probably imagine that I tend to walk awkwardly into newsagents and pretend to browse around the shop for a while looking at everyday items whilst any other customer leaves and then motor over to the magazine rack, pick up a copy of Mac Format (if there is even such a magazine, I don’t know. There is? Lucky guess) and speedily pay for it without making eye contact with the shopkeeper before carrying it home in a brown paper bag. I don’t.

And to all of you who like to imagine I have an unhealthy interest in Apple Computers, I ask you this… Who’s worse, me with my fictional unhealthy interest in an inanimate calculating machine, or YOU sat at home picturing me having an unhealthy interest in them? It is you.

Anyway, for perfectly normal reasons I’ve been thinking of upgrading my computer to deal with the video stuff I’m doing. My current model (not that I think of her, IT, as a model) is performing the best she, IT, can but doesn’t have quite the power to deal with some of the stuff I’m trying to make her, IT, do. I need to move on to a younger model, basically.

However, I can’t justify this expense as I’ve not yet made any money out of my brilliant film, TTDIDWYD, and so have to hold back. However, this week I became a signed up member of e-bay (not that browsing the internet for items is in any way a nerdy version of going to the shops where there are people, it isn’t) and have already bought one item – a one-off Morrissey painted portrait worth about £200 for £26. See, I like music, not just computers. Even if it is an artist commonly associated with an lonely, awkward, irrational and unnaturally devoted fan base. I am not like the others.

So today I clicked on e-bay again and wondered how little a brand new, top of the range, Apple computer might go for at auction. That’s a perfectly normal and sensible thing to do so stop sniggering immediately.

I found one machine, brand new, boxed, with warranties etc, for a tiny fraction of what you’d pay in the shops, or even from on-line dealers. It was a special buy-now offer, meaning you didn’t have to put a bid in, you’d sort it out there and then. The deal was a $3000 computer for $1000. Or, the computer plus a $3000 monitor for £1200. The monitor is crucial so that would be a saving of $4800. The prices are in dollars because that’s the currency the deal was in – I’m not trying to look like Charlie Sheen in Wall Street. Stop trying to imagine stuff that I’m doing that I’m not.

I checked the seller’s feedback score that all e-bay buyers and sellers accrue by getting points from the people they’ve dealt with. This person’s was 100%. I saw they were based in California, and that – amazingly – the deal also came with free shipping.

Although I wasn’t going to buy the computer, definitely, I was still very curious and so sent an e-mail to the address given with the computer information. I thought it strange that you had to contact this e-mail address, and not carry out the normal procedure of contacting the seller through e-bay.

Anyway, I immediately got an e-mail back from an unnamed person, in bad English (people who’s first language isn’t English, never trust their idiot business schemes, ever) asking me to do the deal today and he’d give me an extra discount. My trusty detective instincts smelt a rat and I asked him to explain how he could possibly afford to sell a computer at this price.

An e-mail came back stating that he’d just opened up an electronics shop and wanted to get a trusted network of buyers through e-bay. This didn’t make any sense as by selling genuine goods at a sixth of it’s normal price would get you a pretty devoted network of buyers anywhere.

We exchanged another round of e-mails and it transpired he was in Romania, not California (people from less developed countries than ours, never trust their idiot business schemes, ever) and that a quick money transfer through Western Union could have the computer at my address in two days.

This bit was clearly rubbish and I decided there was no way on Earth I was going to risk it, and politely told him so, which stirred up an immediate response which was far too long for him to have typed there and then so must be kept in reserve for these situations. You’d think he’d have had the sense to wait a while and make it feasible.

He also added there could be ‘a couple of problems’ at customs, but not to worry about it.

For all I know, I passed up an amazing and genuine offer. He might have had a load of contraband computers off the back of a lorry which he wanted to sell cheaply. In which case I’ve lost out because I couldn’t care less where they came from if they’re humming away nicely in my office. But I like to think I’d have been horribly ripped off and it’s probably a good example of the adage ‘you get nowt for nowt’. Even though in this case it wasn’t nowt, it was $1200. But the same principal applies.

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