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Stanley McHale is a single man rapidly approaching thirty who loves and dreams of the same things he did when he was seventeen. But the band was never formed, the novel never finished, and the ill-chosen career in stand-up comedy is giving him more headaches than headlines. With the self-imposed deadline of his thirtieth birthday to either make an international success of himself or go and work in Woolworths, why not pull yourself up ringside seats for the tragically inevitable descent into mania and psychosis by reading his increasingly inane, pedantic, desperate, harrowing and wretched daily diary. It'll make you feel a whole lot better about yourself.

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August 2005 Archives

Wednesday 31st August 2005

Posted by on August 31, 2005 5:53 PM

Enjoyed my second consecutive session running in the gym. I set the treadmill for 50 minutes and then alternate the speed depending on how tired I am. It works out at about 7km with a combination of running and uphill walking. I’m aware you’re not interested in this, and also aware that it sounds self-righteous, but you have to understand how important this new regime is to me.

I used to be a very slender chap. I’ve always been a boozer but in my early twenties it didn’t matter a damn if I swum around in beer, there would never be an ounce of weight added to my fragile frame. But for the past couple of years, the effect of spending near enough every evening in the pub or in a comedy club has been far more evident.

Tuesday 30th August 2005

Posted by on August 30, 2005 10:33 PM

I’m not sure what I can tell you about my day. Rather, what I can tell you that won’t bore you to despair. Or, more likely, bore you enough to look at something better on the internet. Yes Stanley, that’s more likely.

Now I come to think of it, I’d quite like to do some impossible research that ascertains how long people are surfing the internet until they finally decide – out of a complete lack of remaining options – to read my Blog. It must be just about the last thing on the agenda, surely?

Monday 29th August 2005

Posted by on August 29, 2005 10:30 PM

I remember writing a column in the ECHO during Easter this year banging on about how I hate bank holidays and all they bring with them. They are a bane in the lives of self employed people, shutting shops and upping the pub population beyond sensible limits.

Easter’s the worst because it’s the Daddy of bank holiday’s, spanning a monstrous four days, like a storm that sets in. I can’t be doing with Easter. People would have naturally been impressed with Jesus rising from the dead, but few would have considered it would ultimately lead to early closing and extended engineering work on the railways.

Sunday 28th August 2005

Posted by on August 28, 2005 2:35 PM

So far Liverpool’s had a bleak summer. I remember a week of sun back in early July, but that was about it.

When you look at the weather reports it’s dramatic how different the temperature in the South can be to the North. It’s particularly odd seeing as there’s only about 250 miles separating London and the Liverpool. You’d think that might account for the odd degree here and there but in practice there are days when it makes the difference between a chilly afternoon and a tropical one.

True to form, it was a beautiful morning in green Kent.

Saturday 27th August 2005

Posted by on August 27, 2005 2:33 PM

Last Monday I received a text from a girl called Polly, who’s from Marden, the village I grew up in. We’ve always been friends but hardly ever catch up what with me having lived away for so many years.

The text was to invite me to a birthday party she was having today in the local. Fancy dress, western theme. So 10am this morning saw me walking around Toys R Us looking for a cowboy kit. Obviously what I found was designed for kids but no matter, I wasn’t going for authenticity.

Friday 26th August 2005

Posted by on August 26, 2005 2:32 PM

Yes, yes, you’ve guessed it, another much-holier-than-thou-will-ever-be session in the gym (and how, 6km on the treadmill, eat that losers) but then the tricky question of whether Friday counts as a weekday or a weekend day came into play. I wanted to know if I was allowed any booze after such a frugal week.

Went to visit R and we had a late lunch out by Penny Lane. I decided that there’s a fine line between discipline and delusion and so had a glass of red with my fish cakes.

Is this the most middle-class Blog to have ever been kept by anybody, ever? Yes – yes it is.

Thursday 25th August 2005

Posted by on August 25, 2005 2:29 PM

After another holier-than-thou session in the gym, went to Liverpool Airport to collect R. She was on the flight from Berlin, having been home to Poland visiting her parents.

It was a diplomatic mission on her part, as it turns out. She had to calm her Mum and Dad’s fears over her relationship with Henry, her Nigerian boyfriend. Henry’s a lovely man, but in Poland things aren’t quite as, well, tolerant, as we like to think things are here.

So I feel very sorry for her because I don’t imagine it’s nice to have disapproving parents, especially on those grounds. To be fair, I don’t think it’s just the race thing. I think R’s relationship with Henry is being unfairly compared to a couple her parents know who are R’s age. This couple’s relationships is made up of trips to the Caribbean and lashings of good dinners. I think R’s parents use this as a kind of yardstick by which R’s relationship with Henry should compare.

Wednesday 24th August 2005

Posted by on August 24, 2005 12:08 AM

Following on from what I was saying yesterday about trying to keep a bit of positive structure and discipline to my working day – I made a trip to the gym today to get the exercise regime going.

If I can have a few weeks of excessively healthy and moderate eating, a decent workout, and at least four hours sat either writing or doing something constructive, I’ll be happy I’m getting enough out of the day.

Tuesday 23rd August 2005

Posted by on August 23, 2005 12:12 AM

Woke up in Liverpool nice and early. I was pleased and reassured to notice that the enthusiasm and inspiration I’d felt in Edinburgh hadn’t waned. In fact, if anything I felt all the more enthused and hope this doesn’t ware off.

There’s lots to do, after all. Let’s see, there’s next year’s stand-up show to write. Not only write, but devise from scratch. That’s exciting at the moment, but come January will probably be terrifying unless I’ve made a solid start and am at least half way through.

Monday August 22 2005

Posted by on August 22, 2005 5:29 PM

I WAS childishly disappointed to be leaving Edinburgh.

Met with K for a farewell drink in my favourite haunt, The Dome on George Street. It's one hell of a place with an excellent Cocktail bar off to one side and a main room that has been immaculately maintained (renovated?) to be the ideal setting for a Poirot mystery, topped by the largest and most ornate glass dome I've ever set eyes on. It's a great bar, and I can see myself using it daily next year when the pressure's on.

Sunday August 21 2005

Posted by on August 21, 2005 5:24 PM

BEAUTIFUL, burning Edinburgh sunshine, so took a walk down to The Meadows, a park where today hundreds of exhausted festival victims were laid out on the grass recovering.

There was also a funfair and I was drawn towards the stand where you have to try and kick footballs into targets. The owners of the fairground have a clever tactic with this stall. They've realised that if you have an attractive young lady running it, all the men will happily give £2 to show off their football skills for her.

Saturday August 20 2005

Posted by on August 20, 2005 5:12 PM

DAY in the sun then down, down, deeper and down to watch more comedy.

The best thing about being in Edinburgh is the inspiration it gives you as an observing comic. To be up here without actually having the responsibility of doing a show must be entirely different - constant worry, pressure, nerves, paranoia, competition - but to be here just milling around is wonderful.

Friday August 19 2005

Posted by on August 19, 2005 5:09 PM

I'M well aware that in my last few entries I've simply recounted my days in Edinburgh and not really written much of insight or value.

'Yes, Stanley. Where's your normal incredible insight?' all six of you ask.

Thursday August 18 2005

Posted by on August 18, 2005 5:05 PM

IT won't to surprise you to learn I felt dreadful this morning, but what surprised me is how dreadful.

I'm not going to fill this Blog up with hangover stories, I'm no student, it not big and it's not clever, but I really was in a bad way today. My liver felt tender as hell. It hurt to put my hand to my side.

Wednesday August 17 2005

Posted by on August 17, 2005 5:00 PM

HAVE I mentioned here at some point how much I love trains? Well, I do. I've loved them since I was but a boy and the thought of a long train journey is still exciting to me.

Air travel is still the best, obviously. For one, it's still remarkable to anyone who gives it any thought, and two you usually arrive in somewhere utterly different to the place you left.

Tuesday August 16 2005

Posted by on August 16, 2005 4:55 PM

SAT and tried to crack on with the book. I'll tell you some more about it.

It's called The Best Idea Of The Year and centres on a character called Simon Crowe, a loner and board game obsessive who has an unusual hobby.

Monday August 15 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 15, 2005 10:54 AM

I’M GETTING into the swing of writing this Blog now, making it part of my new daily regime. I've always been very anti regimes, thinking them to be a form of self-imposed slavery.

But I've come to realise that this is perhaps why I never seem to get anything done.

Sunday August 14 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 14, 2005 10:51 AM

AS I mentioned a few days ago, the oddest change in my life this summer has been a fast developing admiration for cricket.

After being largely washed out day yesterday, it looked like the excellent start England had enjoyed against Australia during the first two days of this third test would be in vain.

Saturday August 13 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 13, 2005 10:48 AM

TODAY was my Dad's birthday and for about the seventh year running, I'd forgotten to send off a card. I'd bought and written one but forgot to put it in the post.

Seeing as a birthday of mine has never passed without a card from him dropping through the door, on time and with a couple of quid in it, this makes me feel very guilty.

Friday August 12 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 12, 2005 10:45 AM

I WAS going to spend a whole day in front of the cricket again but T rung, asking me to e-mail her a sketch we'd written. She's up for a job presenting that Pop World thing on Channel 4.

It's part of their T4 deal, that curious weekend/holiday morning package that encompasses chirpy, alternative, devastatingly good looking and funny types interviewing the Bright Young Things of the day and introducing US import shows.

Thursday August 11 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 11, 2005 10:34 AM

I HAVE developed a liking for cricket, which is a peculiar thing. It's like suddenly liking sprouts at the age of 43. Or suddenly liking jazz. It's maybe an age thing, I don't know.

Not all cricket. I don't think I could really get into the county stuff yet. Essex V's Middlesex or whatever. But this Ashes series is gripping me. It's lead, today, to one of my least active days ever.

Wednesday August 10 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 10, 2005 10:30 AM

I'VE failed to mention this so far, but I'm currently schooling. I've been enrolled on an NVQ course that occupies me every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday between 10 and 3.

The course is titled 'Creative Entrepreneurs' and consists of a Level 3 qualification in 'Business Start-Up'. I got involved after Liz Lacey, Echo columnist extraordinaire, read an interview K and I did in The Daily Post.

Tuesday August 9 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 9, 2005 10:27 AM

The danger of being an irrationally crabby person is that it takes only the slightest thing to temporarily ruin an otherwise decent afternoon.

I'd chosen the first floor bar in FACT to sit down and do a bit of writing. All was well until I heard a 'slurp' from somewhere nearby. Looking up, I saw it must have come from the lips of a man putting down a glass of coke about ten meters away at a neighbouring table.

Monday August 8 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 8, 2005 10:26 AM

I RANG K at about three this afternoon and asked her what she was up to. Being a conscientious type, she was off to give blood.

I'm glad I rung her because I've never donated blood and have felt guilty about this for ages. It's always been a case of having something else to do, something that could never be anything like as important, or being very willing if they were to come around to my flat and do it but too lazy to go and seek out the blood donor clinic off my own back.

Sunday August 7 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 7, 2005 10:23 AM

SEEING as this is the first Sunday I've written about, I'd best make clear my love for the Sabbath.

I think the reason I love it so much is that manages to combine all the things sensible people should love and cherish into one special day.

Saturday August 6 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 6, 2005 10:20 AM

I GOT invited to a birthday party tonight and was trying to think of the last time I've had this pleasure. I think it might have been when I was eleven.

I've been out for drinks with people ON their birthday. "Meet in the pub about eight? Yeah, it's John's birthday so it's going to be mental. Nice one. See you then."

Friday August 5 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 5, 2005 10:16 AM

YESTERDAY I wrote about Manchester's hip n' aware Northern Quarter, as all six of you will remember.

Well Liverpool has it's own little cultural mecca that operated along the same lines, and without a shred of bias, I think it's far superior. I'm referring to the Ropewalks area, which is pretty much anywhere to your right if you're walking up Bold Street.

Thursday August 4 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 4, 2005 10:14 AM

EVER since I moved to Liverpool five years (or so) ago, I've been interested in the city's hatred and mistrust of anything to do with Manchester.

I know that in some ways this is just a British thing. We tend to hate any town close to us. Newcastle hate Sunderland. Ipswich hate Norwich. Portsmouth hate Southampton. Hull hate everyone.

Wednesday August 3 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 3, 2005 10:05 AM

ONE aspect of all this I hadn't thought about is what exactly makes an entertaining and worthy Blog.

I could write, in minute detail, everything I did during 24 hours - but this would present a few problems.

Tuesday August 2 2005

Posted by Jim Casey on August 2, 2005 10:03 AM

WHEN Jon from the Echo rung me up asked me to keep a 'Blog' on their website for no money, I had a few immediate reservations.

Firstly, who would want to read it? Who would want to spend precious time on-line updating themselves on my little world, being as I am, neither particularly interesting, have an awful lot to say, famous, or outstanding in any department.